Friday, July 3, 2015

A Bison Once Bit My Sister

Several people have been injured after getting too close to bison in Yellowstone National Park this season. The main reason for these incidents is because some people don’t heed common sense warnings. Mind you, most of the victims are apparently adults, but it seems much of their understanding of wildlife is derived from watching Disney cartoons.

Warnings can be helpful. They are issued because people have noted a strong correlation between doing, or not doing certain things, and other terrible things often happening as a result.

“Don’t tell me not to vote for that progressive. He’s going to change things and give us free stuff!”

But a warning based on conjecture, or speculations that cannot be proven true or false by experience or experimentation, especially when it would give the purveyors of such presumptions positions of power if they were to be believed, is not one that should be blindly obeyed — even if the great majority of specialists on the subject agree on it.

Here’s an advisory that is given to tourists as they enter Yellowstone:

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Rubio's Luxury Speedboat Scandal Grows

So, we all know Marco Rubio is running for President. Currently, he is a United States Senator from Florida. Miami is his home town.

This is what he looks like:

The New York Times, in keeping with their tradition of top-notch journalism, has informed us that Rubio used part of a book advance to buy a "luxury speedboat."

This is what his "luxury speedboat" looks like:

There is someone else, quite famous, also from Miami, who also has a VERY similar luxury speedboat.
That speedboat looks like this:

Who is that someone?

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Urban Legend

I heard that if a pregnant woman looks  in a mirror and says "Bloody Nancy" three times, Nancy Pelosi will appear and abort her baby.

Islamic State to Disband in Wake of SUPCO Gay Marriage Ruling

In a stunning move, a coalition of Islamic State leaders has agreed to relinquish the group’s goal of establishing a worldwide Islamic caliphate, and has announced a plan to dissolve the movement.

IS leaders say the impetus behind this revolutionary transformation was the United States Supreme Court’s recent ruling requiring states to recognize marriages between same-sex couples.

IS spokesman Abu Muhammad al-Adnani, in a rare video appearance released by Al Arabiya said, “This development has sincerely moved us. Seeing the recent joyous celebrations in America has changed our worldview entirely.” Sporting a rainbow-striped taqiyah, al-Adnani contritely lamented, “How silly we have been to take the Koran literally, and try to bring the judgment of Allah over all the earth.”

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Short and To The Point

I'm so angry at the SCOTUS right now I can hardly see straight. 

Not simply because they ruled against "my side", although of course that stings a bit, but mainly because they exceeded their authority in the WAY they ruled.

False Flag

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Suitcase Nuke

The Obama administration is proposing a policy overhaul aimed at coordinating hostage recovery efforts, which includes the establishment of a “Hostage Recovery Fusion Cell.”

White House officials have not yet revealed how many ransom notes will be required to fuel this revolutionary new power source; an important tool in the fight against the nation’s most serious threat — climate change.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Classic Nuke:You Read It Here First

What with Bruce "Caitlyn" Jenner deciding that he's "always" been a woman, which should come as a surprise to the men who competed against him in the Olympics, and Rachael Dolezal, (no former) president of the Spokane branch of the NAACP turning out to be a white woman with a spray tan, I think it's time to bring this one back from almost two years ago. It's from before my breakdown, and was intended to be the first in a series that never ended up happening.  But the first installment was pretty good, and is even more relevant today, when the lunatic left is proving more and more even day that they are impossible to parody, as any idea you might think today is so absurd that even they can't believe it will tomorrow be their "inalienable human right" that you are an inhuman monster for denying.

So, without further ado..

A Whole New Me

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Proud Transportist

Pantone 131c > Pantone 7631c

Blackhawks are the new Redskins.

Movie Note: Jurassic World

So, by now you've probably heard that Jurassic World had the biggest opening weekend of any movie in history.

But you're probably wondering, "Is it worth all the hype?" And is it horribly sexist? (Okay, probably not so much that second, regardless of what the MSM would have you believe.)

Well, I took my eleven-year-old daughter today to find out, and the answer is, "Sorta."

Let me explain. (Mild spoiler alert throughout.)

The original Jurassic Park did not have all that great reviews when it opened. But, to my mind, it was one of the scariest movies I'd ever seen, and it still stands up today as a masterpiece of the Monster movie genre. Spielberg is hard to beat for suspense, and he used his effects to great effect, and as little as possible, leaving most of the worst to the imagination.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

Letting My Inner Anger Flow: UPDATED

I have to say, I'm pig-bitin' mad, and I feel the need coming on to channel one of my heroes, Opinion Columnist for the Only Paper That Matters, Ed Anger. And maybe throw a little Emily Litella in there, as well. For good measure.

I just heard what today is, and I'm hotter than a habanero rammed up the Human Torch's back end. I mean, I don't care what two consenting adults do in the privacy of their own bedroom, for Pete's sake! But why do I have to have all that stuff pushed up under my nose, flaunted out in public, and all.

I mean, it's getting to where a guy can't even go out to a bar anymore without a whole passel of 'em wanting to have a grab at his manly parts and that ain't right.

And don't get me started about the parades. And the "Street Fairs." Some things are meant to stay behind closed doors, if they have to exist at all, but there they are paraded out on the street where everybody can see them, including little babies and delicate ladies. That ain't right.

It's not like anyone is trying to stop the "activities," but what they want is not acceptance or tolerance: They want approval and I'll be dad-gummed if I'm going to give it to 'em.

And now they want a whole day to celebrate their "differences," and make us all think they're "normal," and it just so happens to fall on the Lord's Day this year, and that's got me madder than a rabid dog and a rabid bat and a rabid raccoon all bitin' each other and gettin' each other even more rabid.

Plus, the NAME they give it. I thought we weren't supposed to use that word. They tell us it's offensive and I'm sick of this "Only we can use that word, it's OUR word," garbage. Double standards suck. And what's good for the goose should be good for the, well, other goose.


And that's all I have to say about that.

UPDATE: I've just been informed that today is actually National American FLAG Day. So, just like, you know, never mind.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

The Demise of New Horizons

The following communiqué was received at NPHQ this afternoon via Keln’s extremely temperamental and woefully out-dated ansible.  I swear it would be more efficient to learn Morse code than to listen to that thing, but since by all indications it was a possible future ME that sent the message, I’m going ahead and writing up the after-action report.

Artist's rendition

Please note: One additional thing that’s “by all indications” is that the future ME is an untrustworthy source, and although I don’t know whether this is because of the machinations of quantum chaos affecting time itself, or because one day I apparently just decide to chuck morality out the window, steal Keln’s ansible, and start trolling the past is as yet unknown.

So take this with a grain of salt.

JULY 14, 2015

Monday, June 8, 2015

Movie Note: San Andreas

So, I took mi esposa to the movies last night, for "date night," and we went to see San Andreas. Because, really, what says "romantic night without the kids" better than half the west coast being destroyed?

Anyway, that should not exactly be a shocker, since it's basically the whole point of why anybody would want to see a disaster movie: a disaster of an almost unimaginable scale. Almost, because someone obviously DID imagine it, then transferred that idea to film.

But I digress.

This flick stars Dwayne Johnson, better know as The Rock (That's MR. The Rock, to you!), as a military veteran working as an emergency rescue worker, with a helicopter team and everything. His (almost) ex-wife (There is a reference to "signing the papers), who has a new boyfriend, is played by Carla Gugino, from the Mummy movies and the Spy Kids movies, and still looking pretty hot. Their college-age daughter, is played by Alexandra Daddario, who is actually a bit older than college age and not that much younger than Carla Gugino. Her main purpose in this movie is to be in danger and to look hot, both of which roles she fills admirably. To quote the great 20th century philosophers Wayne and Garth, if she were a breakfast cereal, she'd be magically babe-licious. If she were a president, she'd be Babe-raham Lincoln. My wife said, "She has really pretty eyes," to which I wisely gave the only possible correct answer: "Almost as pretty as yours."

"I hadn't noticed" would NOT have been acceptable.

 But on to the plot.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Suitcase Nuke

An Olympic athlete’s ambition: “One day, I want to be the oldest woman to ever grace the cover of Vanity Fair.”