Friday, June 29, 2012

Reader Submission: Leaked F&F Documents Prove Obama's Brilliance

Another fake news piece from Arik:

Leaked F&F Documents Prove Obama’s Brilliance
(APYL) WASHINGTON, D.C. –  In a stunning turn of events, WTFA-TV, the NBC affiliate in Washington, DC, has come into possession of a number of documents purported to be from the Department of Justice regarding the Fast and Furious gunrunning scandal.

While the House investigation into the scandal focuses on the theory that the gunrunning program is either a botched attempt to track guns from weapons dealers in the U.S. to drug cartels in Mexico, or the much more cynical theory that it was a botched attempt to subvert the second amendment regarding U.S. citizens’ right to bear arms, the new documents appear to point in a much different direction.

In one email from the President to Attorney General Holder, Obama is quoted: “Undocumented immigration from Mexico is becoming a terrible burden on the economy. In addition, I think American citizens have a right to safe and secure borders. We need to come up with a plan to secure the borders and keep this great nation safe.”

The Attorney General’s reply: “We have numerous programs in place, but nothing seems to be very effective. Perhaps, with your keen and insightful intellect, you can devise a way to accomplish this goal without losing the Latino vote. Perhaps the border could be secured, undocumented immigration curtailed, and the whole thing could be made to look as though it was not our doing. That way, we could take credit for a decrease in undocumented immigration, while claiming to the Latino community that it wasn’t our doing.”

The response from the President: “Here’s what we should do: Create a program to increase the flow of weapons into Mexico. It will have to be classified to the highest levels. The larger volume of weapons flowing into Mexico will cause the Mexican government to secure the border from their side, reducing the need for us to commit manpower to the region, as well as lowering enforcement costs, which will help us to lower the deficit.

Naturally, Republicans are up in arms about these documents. Congressman Darrell Issa, Chairman of the House Oversight Committee:”Seriously? Really. Seriously? These documents are obviously faked. I mean, who even talks that way? And the fact that they are dated two years after the operation began is another very big hint.”

But elements of the extreme right wing fringe aside, there seems to be agreement that these documents mark a turning point for the Obama Administration, which has gone from being merely the Greatest Presidency in the History of Everything to being Da Nuclear Bomb of Presidencies. MSNBC host Chris Matthews said,”That thrill up my leg? It’s moved…” He then blushed crimson.

In this reporter’s opinion, this is the most audacious plan one could hope for, and it would have worked, too, if it weren’t for those meddling Republicans. Because, really, untraceable assault weapons smuggled across the border? That would be like an act of war, against a putative ally, and what president would be stupid enough to try that?

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