Thursday, July 12, 2012

Obama Job Interview

You want my what? My resume? 

Have you ever had a job interview, and the guy or gal interviewing you asks that tired old question about what is your biggest weakness? And then, because you don't want to make yourself look like you have a big flaw, you pick something that you're actually good at, or fair enough at, and spin it as something you've "overcome". Well, Obama is doing that now. He's interviewing for another term as President, and he is trying to tell everyone that his "one" mistake in the last four years was not communicating to the people enough. You know, he hasn't told the "folks" the story, or whatever. Funny...I specifically remember seeing his face and his teleprompter on TV constantly over the past four years.

It kind of made me wonder, what would an actual Obama job interview be like? Let's say, you as a voter got to personally interview Obama for the job of President. What questions would you ask? How would he answer? These questions are irrelevant, because I just conducted a job interview with Obama (or a picture of him on my computer screen), and this is how it went down:

Me: Ok, Mr. Bareck, uh, Obahmah? Is that French or something?

Obama: Uh, it's Barack, and no, it's a Muslim name. From my father. Who was a Muslim from Kenya.

Me: Right, ok. So, all I have on you is a job application. Do you have your resume with you?

Obama: Uh, let me be clear, I wrote one up, but, uh, I didn't think you needed to see it.

Me: It's kind of necessary for an interview to have a resume. Can you get that for me please?

Obama: Well, uh, I can't do that. My lawyers said I should keep it confidential. Besides, the media have documented everything that I have done in the past four years. It's all there.

Me: So I am expected to dig through news articles? Well, lucky for you, I have done so, before you got here. And I have some questions.

Obama: Sure, ask whatever you like.

Me: Ok. So, it says here you were a community organizer before taking the previous job as President. What exactly is a community organizer?

Obama: Uh, yeah, ok. Well that is a job where you organize things, like a community. And you have to have a lot of organizational and community skills to do it, which I did, by organizing a community.

Me: Mmkay, and it also says you were a Senator for a little bit too. Describe what you did as a Senator.

Obama: I was present a lot.

Me: Present?

Obama: Uh, yeah, I voted present a lot because I was there. Just to show that, no matter what, I am always there. Except when I am on the golf course.

Me: Er...right. And, when you interviewed for the last president job, you promised to reduce unemployment below 8%, make health care affordable for everyone, and to be the most transparent president ever.

Obama: Yes, that's right. I did all of those things. Just see what MSNBC says about me.

Me: Mr. Obama, I'm afraid that unemployment is still above 8%.

Obama: No, those numbers aren't really real. They're just "sort of real".

Me: Sort of real?

Obama: Uh yeah, you know, government numbers...they are always really flexible. Some might say that actual unemployment is really around 0.2%. I wouldn't say that, but I'd go for something in the middle, like 3.5% maybe.

Me: What about this healthcare stuff? Your government numbers are saying that your attempts with that have just made it more expensive, and in some cases have just increased taxes.

Obama: Again, all that is just sort of real. The really real data supports that I solved the problem. Just ask the Supreme Court.

Me: And transparency? How many documents, exactly, have the public and the Congress asked for from your administration, and that you have held back? Including your resume, I might add.

Obama: Ah, well, it's those lawyers again. They keep telling me not to release stuff. But I intended to release everything to the public, even broadcast our meetings in the war room. Intentions count, right?

Me: No, Mr. Obama, they don't. Let's just cut to the chase here. Why do you think you're the best pick for President?

Obama: Well, for starters, I am black. Also, I was a community organizer. I was also the President for four years. Umm, I've done a lot for local golf courses in the D.C. area. I won the Nobel Peace Prize for...something something. I'm a great orator... with the proper teleprompter. I kinda wish I brought that now. I put together a great staff who aren't all completely corrupt or are or will be felons. And I invented the Beer Summit.

Me: Ok. Basically, what I see here is, you've not kept any of your previous promises. You've made things worse than when you took over as president. And you just aren't able to defend your work experience enough for this interview to continue any further. I'm afraid we've got nothing here for you Mr. Obama.

Obama: Now wait! I am the One. I am the Messiah. I make people's legs tingle. You can't turn me down. I am black and that makes you a racist!

Me: Mr. Obama...

Obama: Don't Mister Obama me! I am the President! You can't not choose me. I have executive privilege! With my bare hands I made the phone call to an aide to call a general to call an admiral to give the go to a team of Navy SEALs to kill Osama bin Laden! So I basically killed Osama with my bare hands!

Me: *pushes button* Security, please show Mr. Obama out.

Obama: You can't do this to me! I am god! I am the One! You're repressing me. I'm being repressed! See the racism inherent in the system! Ahhhh.....

*queue toilet flushing sound*

Actually, I probably would have tossed him out when he didn't have a resume.


  1. Nicely done. Yes, resumes are a must.

  2. Me: I still think a resume would be a good idea.

    Obama: Uh, how about if you show me the resumes of the other applicants first.

    Me: I see that you've listed your pastor and a Mr. Ayers as your references. May we call them?

    Obama: Well, maybe not. You see, uh, I don't really know them.

    Me: You don't know them?

    Obama: That's right, they're just, uh, people that I met.

    Me: Mmmm, just met them. Wow, I see that you got straight A's from Harvard, Columbia and Occi- Occid-

    Obama: -dental. Yup Occidental.

    Me: But I don't see a transcript release.

    Obama: That's because they're secret. Just like military secrets. Except the military secrets that other people tell me.

  3. Now put the same questions to a Mitt Romney and the contrast with Obama would be exponential.