Sunday, September 16, 2012

The Post-Cognitive Convulsive Reflex Test – Part 1

When Lieutenant Robert Maynard (and crew) killed Blackbeard, Edward Teach, in ferocious hand-to-hand combat, he cut off the famous pirate’s head and hung it from the prow of his ship as proof of his claim on the reward.  Maynard’s crew dumped Blackbeard’s body overboard. No, this is not a Disney movie review – this is one of many ways that good and dangerous men, fighting on the side of the law, properly celebrate victory. Or at least they used to.  Can you think of such a thing being allowed today?
Imagine, if you will, that in the very recent past a Time Lord, a native of Gallifrey, had decided his next adventure would involve becoming a journalist, a war correspondent, either with the BBC (the most likely candidate, given that they own the rights to “Doctor Who”), the American press, or even – God forbid – Reuters. Now imagine further that this near-immortal nomadic correspondent had been abroad, “in country” on assignment in Afghanistan a while back when a few American soldiers, feeling pressure from the buildup of metabolic wastes due to biological and physiological processes common to all mammals everywhere, chose to voluntarily dehydrate in the most psychologically gratifying manner available to them, i.e. upon the bodies of their fallen foes.
Double heart-attack!
Followed hard upon, of course, by a hyperventilating soliloquy and/or a mad scrambling dash for his TARDIS, with the intent to put right this great wrong.  I allow myself this little sci-fi license because out here in Reality ™, the whole “truth is stranger than fiction” cliché has obviously been bulking up, and will likely be caught doping if anyone can figure out how to administer the test.  In the meantime, seriously, I think most Americans have been incredulously wondering why the press were making such a big deal out of dead damp Taliban, all the while actually knowing the answer but reluctant to give it a voice.
I’ll say it; “It’s because they hate us.
You can get a lot of mileage out of that phrase, by the way, because it is guided by accuracy and powered by honesty. 
Say it with me:  It’s because they hate us.
Now don’t go all maudlin on me and start trying to figure out WHY they hate us… if you head down that road you’ll soon fall prey to all the guilt-ridden Oikophobes and/or Xenophobes clamoring for your attention. They hate us because they’re envious, or because they’re Life’s most epic losers, or because they hate themselves, are looking for someone to blame, and have no sense of personal responsibility. They hate us because they’ve been taught to hate us. And with both Truth and Life being extravagantly complex things, anyone looking for some sort of grievance will likely find several to choose from, thus moral degenerates of all types justify their hatred to themselves, all while patting themselves on the back for their supposed superiority, their “elite” status, or their belief system which must never be insulted.
Their whole lives train them to hate, and because it is the easiest path, they pass that on to their children. The cycle is a LONG way from being broken. 
And speaking of “It’s because they hate us”, I recommend prefacing the phrase with “No,” when using it as a rebuttal.  Feel free to reword as necessary to fit the requisite grammar dictated by the scansion of your reply, so long as you retain the same core message.
Q:        “Did the angry crowds attack our embassies in Egypt and Yemen, and our consulate in Libya, killing our ambassador and members of his staff because of some anti-Islamic film posted on the Internet?”
A:         No, they did it because they hate us.
Pop Quiz:
1.       Q:        Did the 19 9-11 hijackers kill 2,977 people, knock down the World Trade Center, and demolish part of the Pentagon because they disagreed with our policies towards Israel?
A:            ___________________________________

2.       Q:        One thing I’m confused about – that whole “cartoon Mohammed” thing… What’s up with all that, especially given that throughout Islamic history there’s been plenty of artwork depicting him, with nary a squeak?  Why all the sudden histrionics?
A:            ___________________________________

3.          Q:       I’d like to get off the “Islam” angle for a bit because I wanted to ask why the TSA finds it necessary to grope little children and wheelchair-bound grandmothers of obvious Icelandic extraction?
A:            Actually, that’s still tangentially on the “Islamic” topic, but nevertheless the answer to your question is ___________________________________

4.          Q:       Honestly now, did ANYONE in Washington DC really think a 2000-ish page healthcare bill dense with spaghetti-bureaucracy and totalitarian dictates was actually a good idea? I mean, obviously some percentage of the public can always be fooled, but I seriously can’t believe that anyone who had a hand in creating that abomination, despite how they may present themselves to the cameras, says in their hearts “I’m proud of this… I did good work here”, and then go on to strenuously fight in its favor. Why would someone do such a thing?
A:            I hate to break it to you, but a least a few, and possibly more than a few, are easily that deluded. 
But regarding the rest of them, ___________________________________

5.          Q:       Why does the EPA do things like shut off the water to our country’s richest farmland in the name of a bait minnow, or insist on driving coal-powered electricity generators out of business, or hauling into court people who were just trying to build a home on their own property that’s smack in the middle of a neighborhood, and which is at least a block away from any water, by claiming the property is part of a “navigable waterway” and thus under EPA jurisdiction, with little or no hope of appeal?
A:            I think you’re getting the hang of this, but just to nail the point home… ___________________________________

6.       Q:        But isn’t it true that Osama Bin Laden himself said “Terrorism against America deserves to be praised because it was a response to injustice, aimed at forcing America to stop its support for Israel, which kills our people."
A:            It is true that those words actually came out of his mouth, yes, but when that video was made he had already been denying for months that he had been involved. Later, of course, right before the 2004 election, he admitted that he’d directed the attacks. So are you going to believe his stated motivation from a propaganda video when he was simultaneously actively lying about his involvement, or do you finally realize that ___________________________________?

Here’s how to score this quiz:  Award yourself 16 and 2/3rd points for every answer you got correct, and consider yourself excused (and excluded) from polite company if you got any wrong.
What to do about this? Well, the hardest work starts at home, and I have an idea I’d like to propose. I think we should test our citizens, and just for the record I’m excusing all members of our military because I can already predict with 99%+ accuracy what their results would be.
For everyone else; stay tuned for Part 2!


  1. The Doctor's incessant non-sequiturs about gay marriage would likely result in a regeneration event given the above scenario...

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