Tuesday, October 16, 2012

State Department Leaks: The Situation Room

The liberation of the leaks continues.  This one is particularly timely with the Presidential debate coming up this evening.  Obama's been trying to push his one success, killing Osama.  What I have happened upon is a transcript of the happenings in the situaiton room during the Seal operation.  I think these details should be brought up during the debate now that they are being made public. (Caution: lefties can be kind of immoral and risque.  Proceed at your own risk).

Obama: Which of those guys is me? My joystick isn’t working?

Hillary: That’s what she said.

Obama: What…

Biden: Nevermind.

Obama: I think I’ve got a bad connection. My joystick’s not controlling any of those people. Wait a minute, why are all these people here to watch me play Call of Duty?

Biden: They aren’t here to watch you play your games, sir.

Obama: Why not? I’m really good.

Biden: You just think that because you’re still in the tutorial. You can’t die in the tutorial.  I’ve explained this to you for months. The real game doesn’t start until you get through the tutorial. And we aren’t here to watch you play. This is a live feed from Navy SEALS who are going to storm Osama’s compound and kill him.

Obama: No! I’m too young to die!

Biden: Osama, sir. Not Obama. They are going to kill Osama. No one is trying to kill you yet. (Musing quietly: No one but me, anyway. President Biden at your service.)

Obama: Oh, good.  Our names are just too similar. And we’re both muslim and hate America. I get us confused all the time.

Biden: We know, sir. Now, why don’t you let the adults talk, and we’ll get to you in a minute.

Obama: Wow, that looks just like a reality TV show. How do they do that?

Biden: They have tiny cameras on their helmets.

Obama: Cool. I want one of those. It would be nice for when Michelle and I are getting busy.

Hillary: So that’s why Bill has one of those! He never wore it around me.

Military Dude: You mean you don’t know.

Obama: I know. I know everything.

Hillary: Know what?

Military Dude: Well, we’d all assumed you’d given Bill consent. Eric Holder assured us, and Bill wasn’t getting many speaking engagements anymore.

Hillary: What are you saying?

Military Dude: Um, I’m not sure how to break this to you, Mrs. Clinton…..

Obama: (giggles)

Military Dude: I guess you should know. Go to www.whitehousehos.cigar.gov. Check the fourth page under the ‘My First Lady’ section. What? Like you all don’t have this in your favorites. It was a great icebreaker with Putin after she messed up that reset button gag.

Hillary: I thought we were to never speak of that again. Now hand me that laptop. (typing)

Obama (still fiddling with his joystick): Are you sure you can't rig it so my joystick controls one of the SEALS? I was pretty sure I told you all to develop that technology for me.  I’m sure I can control the Seals better than they can control themselves.  I’m best at everything, you know.  And why is it all dark and stuff? Are you sure this feed is live? Isn’t it the middle of the day now.  Hey, I think I’m missing my tee time. Can't we do this later?

Biden: We’ve been through this before. Pakistan is on the other side of the world. It’s nighttime over there. That’s why we don’t let you prank call Musharraf during your lunchbreak anymore. He doesn’t like being woken up in the middle of the night so you can ask him about his refrigerator.
Obama: I've still been pranking him anyway. (hee hee hee)

Woman at the back: Do they even have refrigerators in Pakistan?

Biden: Yes, they have refrigerators in Pakistan. They have nuclear weapons in Pakistan.

Obama: What, Pakistan has nuclear weapons? When did this happen?  Oh no!  Do you think he has caller ID?  Could he recognize my voice?  Of course he would recognize my voice.  It's stunning!  It's unforgettable!  I better send Musharraf a fruit basket.  What's the most servile way to bow in Pakistan? 

Hillary: OMG, Bill is so dead! But wait, that can’t be. It is. Chelsea? And with John Edwards? And is that Tipper? And Al too.  Oooo. Let me at him. I’ll warm his globe! (Storms out furiously)

Everyone in the room: (huddling around to watch Hillary’s laptop screen)

Bald Guy 2: Hey, turn up the volume.  This is the best part......Uh, or so I've heard.

Forty-five minutes later, the laptop battery runs out.

Biden: OK, back to Osama. Wait a minute. The screen’s gone black. Was anyone paying attention? Did we get him? Are the SEALS dead? What? I can’t believe this. This was a big effin’ deal.

Obama: Do you like scary movies? I'm in the house. Oh, uh. (hanging up the phone quickly). 
Military Dude: Better check with Fox News. They’ll have the story by now.

1 comment: