My man in State has managed to get a recording of an early morning phone call between Secretary of State Clinton and the Vice President regarding the latest crisis in Egypt. Here it is in its entirety.
Biden: Mr. Bill?
Clinton: That’s Secretary Clinton to you, and besides, the pejorative is Mrs. Bill.
Biden: Oh yeah. I forgot. A secretary would not be a mister. Hi, Mrs. Bill. I am Joe.
Clinton: I know you are.
Biden: I am Joe, can I talk to Mr. Bill?
Clinton: (Sigh) Speaking.
Biden: Hi, Mr. Bill. I am Joe.
Clinton: Yes you are. Does Barack know you are using his phone? Is he there? This better not be another one of his stupid prank calls. It’s 3 AM for crying out loud. Can I speak to the President?
Biden: Oh no. Oh no. Boss is not here. I can't sleep. There is an emergency, though, but he is too busy. He is in his Lando costume. He said I needed to call you. He said I needed to be a big boy until his little blue pill wore off? What is a little blue pill? Can I have some?
Clinton: Absolutely not. The last thing we need it you hopped up on Viagara. No biker chick in the US would be safe.
Clinton: Nevermind. What is the emergency then? I guess I’ll have to deal with it again.
Biden: Sasha was reading me the stories in the newspaper at bedtime. The stories said Egyptian Copts have chosen a new pope.
Clinton: Yes. I know. Mr. Tawadros will be the new pope. And?
Biden: Does the Vatican know? I do not think they will be happy. I do not think Pope John Phillip Sousa will step down without a fight.
Clinton: Are you serious? Did you forget to drink your warm milk before bedtime again?
Biden: I know. I am a Catholic. I know cause Martha Raddatz said so. So I am used to worshipping a man in a funny hat. And crapping in the woods. And crapping in the Oval Office. And crapping on the flag.
Clinton: Can you get to the point?
Biden: Just look at this picture of the new pope.
Clinton: I can’t see it through the phone, Joe.
Biden: I am not used to worshipping a man in THAT kind of a funny hat. That looks like a muslin funny hat. That looks like an Allah pope. I do not want to be a muslin and worship a muslin man in a funny hat and have to blow myself up. Pigs are delicious. Bacon and bikinis.
Clinton: Go back to bed, Joe.
Biden: But I’m scared! I can’t sleep! This will be a war! Pope against pope. And muslins fight better than vaticans. They are raised with jihad war. Catholics never did war before. It will be a blowout. I do not want to be a muslin!
Clinton: (Sighs). Don’t worry, Joe. Our official policy is to back Pope Benedict in this war. It will be fine. You aren’t going to turn into a Muslim. Now go to bed, Joe.
Biden: But I want to help too. Can I go and talk to the pope? Can I please?
Clinton: If we let you go to Rome and talk to the pope tomorrow, will you just go back to bed?
Biden: Do I get to fly on a plane?
Clinton: Yes, a big plane with a TV. You can watch Spongebob all the way there?
Biden: Yay! Rome is in Idaho, right? I can see it on my map right there. I colored it in yesterday in the meeting. I made it blue. Boss told me that was wrong. That it was a red state. But I like it blue. Missus Boss told me it looked very nice. That I almost stayed in the lines this time.
Clinton: I’m glad for you. Have fun in Idaho. And the next time you have an emergency in the middle of the night, call Leon. It’s his turn. Good night, Joe.