Monday, November 12, 2012

State Department Leaks: Egyptian Crisis

My man in State has managed to get a recording of an early morning phone call between Secretary of State Clinton and the Vice President regarding the latest crisis in Egypt.  Here it is in its entirety.

Biden: Mr. Bill?

Clinton: That’s Secretary Clinton to you, and besides, the pejorative is Mrs. Bill.

Biden: Oh yeah.  I forgot.  A secretary would not be a mister.  Hi, Mrs. Bill.  I am Joe.

Clinton: I know you are.

Biden: I am Joe, can I talk to Mr. Bill?

Clinton: (Sigh) Speaking.

Biden: Hi, Mr. Bill.  I am Joe.

Clinton: Yes you are.  Does Barack know you are using his phone?  Is he there?  This better not be another one of his stupid prank calls.  It’s 3 AM for crying out loud.  Can I speak to the President?

Biden: Oh no. Oh no. Boss is not here. I can't sleep.  There is an emergency, though, but he is too busy.  He is in his Lando costume.  He said I needed to call you.  He said I needed to be a big boy until his little blue pill wore off?  What is a little blue pill?  Can I have some?

Clinton: Absolutely not.  The last thing we need it you hopped up on Viagara.  No biker chick in the US would be safe.

Biden: Huh?

Clinton: Nevermind.  What is the emergency then?  I guess I’ll have to deal with it again.

Biden: Sasha was reading me the stories in the newspaper at bedtime.  The stories said Egyptian Copts have chosen a new pope. 

Clinton: Yes.  I know.  Mr. Tawadros will be the new pope.  And?

Biden: Does the Vatican know?  I do not think they will be happy.  I do not think Pope John Phillip Sousa will step down without a fight. 

Clinton: Are you serious?  Did you forget to drink your warm milk before bedtime again?

Biden: I know.  I am a Catholic.  I know cause Martha Raddatz said so.   So I am used to worshipping a man in a funny hat.  And crapping in the woods.  And crapping in the Oval Office.   And crapping on the flag. 

Clinton: Can you get to the point?

Biden: Just look at this picture of the new pope.

Clinton: I can’t see it through the phone, Joe. 

Biden: I am not used to worshipping a man in THAT kind of a funny hat.  That looks like a muslin funny hat.  That looks like an Allah pope.  I do not want to be a muslin and worship a muslin man in a funny hat and have to blow myself up.  Pigs are delicious.  Bacon and bikinis.

Clinton: Go back to bed, Joe. 

Biden: But I’m scared!  I can’t sleep!  This will be a war!  Pope against pope.  And muslins fight better than vaticans.  They are raised with jihad war.  Catholics never did war before.  It will be a blowout.  I do not want to be a muslin!

Clinton: (Sighs).  Don’t worry, Joe.  Our official policy is to back Pope Benedict in this war.  It will be fine.  You aren’t going to turn into a Muslim.  Now go to bed, Joe. 

Biden: But I want to help too.  Can I go and talk to the pope? Can I please?

Clinton: If we let you go to Rome and talk to the pope tomorrow, will you just go back to bed?

Biden: Do I get to fly on a plane?

Clinton: Yes, a big plane with a TV.  You can watch Spongebob all the way there?

Biden: Yay!  Rome is in Idaho, right? I can see it on my map right there.  I colored it in yesterday in the meeting.  I made it blue.  Boss told me that was wrong.  That it was a red state.  But I like it blue.  Missus Boss told me it looked very nice.  That I almost stayed in the lines this time.

Clinton: I’m glad for you.  Have fun in Idaho.  And the next time you have an emergency in the middle of the night, call Leon.  It’s his turn.  Good night, Joe.

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