My man in the State Department is getting more brazen. I think my blackmail is becoming more effective. Anyway, he managed to sneak into the Oval Office and get his hands on Obama’s notepad. Using the old pencil trick, he was able to read the impression left behind. What he discovered was a draft of Obama’s plans for the first 100 days of his new term when he will have more ‘flexibility’. Here they are. Remember, forewarned is forearmed.
· Remember to get our wellness checkups before Obamacare becomes effective and we can’t get an appointment.
· Invite Elizabeth Warren over to the White House for Thanksgiving dinner so she can share her authentic Native American cuisine. Insist she bring her famous rendition of Lame Duck.
· Appoint Al Sharpton to the new position of Diversity Czar.
· Return those millions of puppies we swiped from the swing states. Now that they turned out the vote as demanded, I don’t get to follow through on my threat to eat them.
· Invite Assad, Ahmedinejad and Putin over for a beer summit.
· Have the new intern crate up the weather control machine and put it back into storage along with the Ark of the Covenant, my father-in-law, Worf, my mother-in-law, Big Foot, Biden’s marbles, the missing Big Gulp cups, those jobs I created and saved, and the odds of my having a successful second term.
· Get the White Out, break into the Constitution display and ‘amend’ out all those pesky little bits like the Bill of Rights, the term limit on Presidents, States’ rights and that part that lets honkies vote.
· Select Reverend Wright and Louis Farrakhan as the respective Secretaries of the new Departments of Non-State and State Religions.
· Mandate that all American households purchase two Volts, one for transportation and the other for flame-broiling. Note to self: For Constitutionality purposes, call this mandate a tax.
· Have Maila teach me that new High School level math.
· Don’t forget to go down to the cellar every day and feed the real Chris Christie.
· Volunteer to host the Weather Underground reunion BBQ at the White House this summer.
· Host the largest, most extravagant and most expensive inaugural party ever. Note to self: Inform caterers to ignore all of Michelle’s health recommendations for that event.
· Learn to fiddle so I can be prepared when things burn.