Associated Press: Over a month after Hurricane Sandy devastated Statten Island, many survivors remain without electricity and other basic utilities, and it has been reported that many have had to walk over 6 miles in order to locate the food necessary to sustain themselves and their loved ones. Located adjacent to one of the most wealthy cities in the United States and under the auspices of FEMA, many residents are wondering when aid will arrive and basic utilities will be restored.
Our Dear Leader would like the nation to know that the residents of Statten Island have not been forgotten or neglected. They have not been left alone or abandoned but have been given the singular opportunity to participate in a grand experiment. For the last six weeks the brave residents of Statten Island have proven that it is possible to achieve our goals as a nation. As gasoline prices soared and gasoline was not available, they have relearned that they can walk to their destination, and get much needed exercise as well. They have learned that they can reduce their carbon footprint. They have learned that they can survive without the repressive shackles of electricity and running water and plumbing and all of these other conveniences that interfere with our ability to enjoy life to the fullest. Rather than watching Clint Eastwood’s movie character walk off into the sunset, they are enjoying a real sunset. They are learning that the recommended 1800 calories/day is plenty to sustain their life, and that they can survive without Twinkies and Big Gulps.
The people of Statten Island are not victims, but patriots and heroes of the state. You should all strive to prepare to follow their excellent example. And as your President, Our Dear Leader is committed to helping you achieve this goal and will provide you with every opportunity over the next four years, and hopefully beyond, to not only embrace the Statten Island lifestyle, but to become hopelessly entrenched in it. Forward.