T'was the night before ransom, and all through his mind,
A panic was tromping, no rest would he find.
Though the vans of ward heelers were all prepped to drive,
The Kleptarch, in darkness, fought to survive.
Those he treated like children were all swaddled with lies,
While visions of more free crap* danced in their eyes.
The wife and I started writing our rant
'Cause outside the zombies had started to chant:
"Give it to me because I want it!"
(Yeah, I know that doesn't go with anything, and interrupts the scansion, but believe me – that's their distilled message in its entirety.)
When over the cable there arose such a cry
My heart leapt with joy, thinking pundits might die!
Away to my laptop I flew like a flash,
I signed into Huffpo, and started to clash!
"Your 'PrompTer's light's failing!" I began to jibe,
And got called a "racist", 'cause I'm not of their tribe.
When, surprising no one, what finally appeared,
But a gang of vile Leftists, who were really quite weird.
A fetid kakistocracy, so putrid and sick,
They were led by a liar, who's well versed in schtick.
They slimed through the swing states, and tried to dodge blame,
While the Kleptarch, in darkness, called out their rude names.
"Now, CLOWARD! now, PIVEN! now, ALINSKY'S RULES!
On, REID! on PELOSI! Let's delude all these fools!
On BIDEN, and CLINTON, and GEITHNER, and PANETTA, and HOLDER, and SALAZAR, and VILSACK, and BLANK!"
(He grasped at his heart.)
"And SOLIS and SEBELIUS, whom I can't tell apart!
On DONOVAN, on LAHOOD, and STEVE 'GASSY' CHU!
Yo DUNCAN, SHINSEKI (gesundheit!), and NAPOLITANO too!
Hey JACK LEW, and JACKSON, and ZIENTS, much less KIRK!
and RICE, A. B. KRUEGER, and MILLS you sweet flirt!
By LENIN, by STALIN, by MAO, and by CHE!
And by so many more we seize power day by day!
Now to the top of the polls! To the top of the charts!
Because stealing elections is a well-practiced art!"
But as dry leaves before the firestorm add fuel to the pyre
The abused producers found a growing desire,
For out in "fly-over" there's a saying quite sage:
"Who wakes in inferno, awakens in rage."
The Kleptarch, astonished, was losing his grasp
So he cooked up some new lies, and said with a rasp:
"Don't look at Benghazi, don't look at the cause,
Don't 'Fast' and don't 'Furious'; I'm the powerful Oz!"
Then what to my heart's joy should appear 'fore my eyes?
No saint, and no savior; just a likeable guy.
Not my first choice, by far, but he'll certainly do,
And compared to the Commie this guy's me and you!
"He kills babies and jobs, and his workers' wives!"
Were merely a sampling of the talking-point lies.
But the Kleptarch soon squeaked, and was forced to partake
Of an on-air colonic** in the form of "debate".
That's the "day the tides turned", the earth "started to heal",
Because this man's no idol, he's just simply real.
We've been given a chance to ransom our home!
Take a friend! Take a lover! Try to not vote alone!
(Although, by all means, do vote alone if that's your only option. Just sayin'.)
But dash away! To the Polls! Be legit; do not cheat!
And let's hand these grasping, undeservedly smug, idiotic, and ceaselessly arrogant perpetual adolescents a steaming pile of defeat!
(*Hat tip, and many thanks, to Steven Crowder)
(** Hat tip, and many thanks, to