It turns out the FBI has found classified documents in Paula Broadwell’s apartment. It’s a good thing I have a man in State to check this out for me. Here is an incomplete list of the classified documents allegedly found in Paula’s apartment.
· Michelle’s Klingon birth certificate and class 3 bird of prey pilot license.
· A rough draft for a cookbook entitled: To Serve Man’s Best Friend.
· Illicit photographs of Barney Frank, Kevin Clash and an odd assortment of underage sock puppets.
· A series of letters to Obama’s Wall Street supporters reminding them to ‘sell like crazy’ on November 5, 2012.
· Results for the IQ tests of all Democrats in the Federal Government. It turns out Biden is the intellectual leader of the party, heaven help us all.
· E-mails between Obama and Chevrolet ‘encouraging’ Chevrolet to cover up the known safety issues and the marketing data suggesting no one wants to buy the car. Further e-mails reveal that the Volt is really a modified golfcart with a different body and the overspeed safety removed, and the government money granted to develop the Volt had really been used to fund their new line of trucks and SUVs.
· Early drafts of Dreams of My Father that were clearly not ghost written by Bill Ayers. By all accounts, the original version appeared to be an erotic popup book.
· Electrical schematics for Al Gore, including hand written notes in the margins warning of the inevitable melt down of his AI unit.
· Explicit instructions regarding how to make Solyent Green out of honkies.
· E-mails between Obama and Ahmedinejad detailing how they were going to ‘divy up the Jewish booty.’
· 20,000 e-mails between Michelle Obama and Michael Bloomberg in which the terms ‘plump kids,’ ‘Twinkies,’ and ‘Big Gulps’ seem to have been repeatedly transformed into inappropriate sexual euphemisms.
· 1,460 golf scorecards in which the total scores for the winner were miscalculated.
· A text written in clumsy greek titled The Gospel According to St. Barack. The document appears to have been artificially weathered.