Wednesday, January 16, 2013

All Hail Ceasar Bloomberg

First Bloomberg bans transfats.  Then he bans Big Gulps.  Now he has decided he knows better than doctors how many days a person should be allowed to take pain medication.  People like Bloomberg are progressives.  This is a mental illness.  The only cure for it is to read this blog and get a few swift boots to the head.
I’ve developed a test to see if you might be a progressive. Take the test. This is on the honor system.  If you happen to take the test and discover yourself to be a progressive, then give yourself a boot to the head on my behalf and read this blog at least every 4-6 hours.
1) Bob has 9 candy bars, and Billy has one apple. How many candy bars should Billy be allowed to confiscate from Bob?

2) Billy sees Bob eating something that Billy considers to be unhealthy. Billy
a) Inform Bob of the repercussions of his unhealthy choice.
b) Destroy the unhealthy food.
c) Call the cops.
d) Force Bob’s parents to take a government sanctioned remedial
parenting/nutrition class.
e) All of the above

3) True or False – The Constitution should never apply as long as your idea is a
really good one.

4) True or False – As a general rule, people are too stupid and/or evil to be
trusted with freedom.

5) True or False – Human nature can be changed and utopia established by government edict.

6) While running, little Sally tripped on the sidewalk and scraped her knees, hands
and forehead. The correct government response to this would be:
a) Establish the neighborhood as a ‘run-free’ zone.
b) Retrofit all sidewalks with a six inch thick coating of space age safety
c) Require all children be equipped with child safety body armor before they
can go outside.
d) By government fiat, reduce gravity to a safe 1/6th of earth normal.

7) True or False – Most people prefer the relaxing, stress-free existence that would
be afforded to them when their moral and intellectual betters make all the hard
day-to-day choices for them.

8) If a child wears a Christian symbol to school or is caught praying or saying
anything positive about religion, the child should be:
a) Crucified
b) Stoned
c) Flogged
d) Burned at the stake
e) All of the above

9) Sex education up to and including proper technique and the location of the G-spot should begin in:
a) Kindergarten
b) Preschool

10) True or False – The government should be allowed to confiscate any private
property or resources it wishes so long as the government feels it could put
them to better use.

Bonus: What is the best way to combat global warming:
a) Collect all flatus from both animals and humans in certified containers
and then launch the harmful methane into outer space.
b) Install mandatory CO2 detectors into everyone’s mouths and nostrils. Tax
them based upon how much carbon dioxide they exhale over the recommended
daily allowance.
c) Make volcanoes illegal.
d) Outlaw all carbonated beverages.
e) All of the above


  1. Now that I took the test, how do I know if I'm a progressive? There's no answer key and I don't want to make a decision without proper instruction.

    1. Lactose the IntolerantJanuary 16, 2013 at 2:43 PM

      If you even need an answer key, you are a progressive.

  2. I'm pretty sure the schools we went to weren't progressive. Were they, Lactose?

    1. Lactose the IntolerantJanuary 16, 2013 at 3:05 PM

      I don't think the schools were. But Breck England, Harris and my uncle tended that way.

    2. Hahahaha that's NOT what I meant, silly.

  3. I've finally figured out why they call them "Progressives." It's not because they're in favor of "Progress," but because their ideas get progressively worse and progressively dumber with each passing day.

  4. I am now convinced that calling them progressive goes right along with "gifted" or "special needs"