Thursday, January 3, 2013

Banning the Silent Killer

AP – San Francisco: San Francisco Mayer, Adolph Ginsberg made the following announcement this morning following the tragic drowning of two year old Steven Foster in a neighbor’s pool.  “According to CDC statistics, every day, 10 people die from unintentional drowning.  This is nearly 100 times more deaths than are caused by accidental shootings in the home.  Children have the highest drowning rate, and African Americans have higher drowning rates across all age categories. Many of these deaths occur in private or public swimming pools.  Statistics don’t lie.  Swimming pools aren’t only dangerous, they are clearly racist.  I am proposing a city wide ban on all public and private swimming pools for the public good.  Unlike with guns, there is no Constitutional right to swimming, so we can’t imagine why anyone would oppose such a ban, aside from a malignant glee in the prospect of drowning black babies.”
Zero Batsell, a City Council member and CEO of Batsell’s Bottled Water, doesn’t think the ban goes far enough.  “Children don’t only drown in public and private pools.  They drown in lakes and streams and bath tubs and sinks and even toilets.  We need to drain all rivers, lakes, pools and streams.  We need to ban indoor plumbing altogether and eliminate public water utilities.  Shoot, most of the people who voted for me don’t bathe anyway.  We need to make San Francisco an open-water-free zone.  It’s for the children.  Of course, studies have shown that no one has drowned in 8 oz bottles of Batsell’s Bottled Water, so that will be perfectly fine to use for all your water needs.  See, says so right on the label.  You can’t argue with science.”

1 comment:

  1. Hahaha awesome...and 80% who drown are male. EIGHTY PERCENT. Isn't that interesting? Maybe the legislature should require all male babies to be fitted with life jackets at birth. They must go in annually and have them refitted throughout their life. It's for SAFETY! I mean, with egos like they have, and their belief that they are invincible, what else can we do besides force, ahem, I mean require this of them for their own good. Gotta go. I think I have a custom life jacket business to start up. Oh oh oh! How 'bout life preservers shaped just so that when you wear them under clothing you look really BUFF??? Ah...appeal to the ego and you'll win every time. I'm gonna be rich. I need suggestions for a company name. OOOOOHH!! oh the rich could have the buoyant thingies SURGICALLY implanted!! hahaha

    Hahaha soon you guys can be carrying concealed weapons too. Of course, they'll be fake...