Friday, January 11, 2013

Comprehensive Emigration Reform

(Update:Welcome, Moon Nukers! If you like what you see, feel free to check out the rest of the blog.)

With the election a fading and unpleasant memory, I think Republicans ought to look toward a compromise position on emigration. A lot  has already been said about the flood of undocumented immigrants crossing our borders and causing chaos and consternation in Washington, but not much has been said about the sad lack of a flood of emigrants, just itching to get out. I aim to fix that.

While most of us are likely immigrants or the descendants of  immigrants (and historically, that includes EVERYBODY: I'm looking at you, Bering land bridge crossers), and most of us have no problem with people coming to America to escape oppression and build a better life, we do tend to have a problem with those who come here to exploit the system, collecting welfare benefits unto the nth generation, especially when we have so many ungrateful slobs already here doing the same thing.

I have a solution.

The problem we have is not with too many people coming in, it's with too many of the wrong people staying. Remember before the 2004 election? When all those CeLibrities were going on about how, If Bush were re-elected, they would move to another country? Well, how many have gone? I can't think of any.

I find it amazing that every time a liberal wants to change something, the rationale and justification usually go something like this: "But they do it like that in <some other country>." To which my response is: "Well, why don't you move there?" There is one nation on the face of the Earth in which individual freedom and responsibility is (for now) not only cherished, but guaranteed in the founding documents.

If you want to live in a country where (typically poor) medical care is all paid for you by the government, there's a country for that.

If you want to live in a country where the government gives you a big, warm, squishy cradle-to-grave security bear hug, there's a country for that.

If you want to live in a country where a alcohol is banned, gays are stoned to death for being gay and women have to walk around wearing hefty bags all day, there's a country for that.

But if you want to live in a country where hard work and industriousness, along with a little bit of brainpower can take you from pauper to penthouse, America is the only place you can truly do that. In America, you can be the illegitimate, bi-racial offspring of a communist pedophile father, with no actual, documented accomplishments and an utterly fictitious background story, and still be elected president. Try that in Cuba.

So, what I think we need to do is start shipping liberals overseas, through a government program I like to call Comprehensive Emigration Reform. It starts, as most government programs usually do, with a lot of expense. Have no fear, though, this one truly pays for itself.

I propose we give each willing participant Fifty-Thousand Dollars to move to the Liberal Paradise of their choice. The money is to cover relocation expenses, and to get it, they will need to renounce their U.S. citizenship and leave, with the understanding that they will not be allowed to return. We could even have a referral program: an extra ten thousand for a referral who also agrees to emigrate.

If fifty thousand doesn't seem like a heck of a lot, consider that Barry's half-brother George Obama lives in his hut in Kenya on something like twelve dollars a year. For fifty thousand and a plane ticket, people could move to Kenya and live like royalty. Of course they'd live under despotism and tyranny, but looking at their voting record makes me think that's exactly what they want. Double fun: they would then be the "one-percent" they are always whining about, and when the government asked them to pay their "fair share," the reactions would be priceless. It could be a new reality TV show. THAT I would watch.

Now, you will never get rid of the poor, and there will always be helpless among us, but once you get rid of those who are willfully poor, that choose not to help themselves, there will be many more resources available to help those who truly need it, particularly if we take the federal bureaucracy out of it, and preferably leave it as much to the private sector as possible. How many of us would do a whole lot more if the government wasn't forcing us to do what's already being done?

So, once the moochers have deported themselves, we need to think about winding down the apparatus that got them out. There should be a sunset clause on the whole deal, funding, agency, everything, with a contract signed in blood or other bodily fluid that  states capital execution for all legislators involved if the whole agency isn't defunded and disbanded on New Years Eve 5 years from the signing of the bill. That might sound harsh, but we need to get legislators worried about more than reelection.

I don't think this bill will bring about a new Coservative Utopia,because I don't believe Utopia is possible in a Fallen world, but if we take these simple, common sense steps to get rid of those who choose to live in poverty, we can bring back a society where it is possible to life oneself out of poverty on the merits of one's accomplishments, rather than hoping to win the lottery with tickets purchased with money gained by selling one's EBT card.

(Update: Feel free to check out my other reform essay, on welfare, and leave an idea or three about what I should try to fix next.)


  1. I laughed out LOUD at the line "and still be elected president". Hahaha and the emigration plan is best idea ever!

    I actually have some experience with hopelessness and feeling stuck. I haven't the faintest idea why people who COULD do something to get out, wouldn't.

    Watch out, Hunter. Arik may give you a run for your money in 2016.

    1. It's funny becayse it's true!

      Someone said, Idon't remember who, that if you subsidize poverty, you shouldn't be surprised when you get more of it. Like I said, a relatively small amount of money could allow you to live like royalty, in the right country. At least until that governent realizes you have it.

    2. Oh, and I beleive it was Harry Truman who said something to the effect that anyone who really wants to be President probably isn't fit for the job.

  2. There are SO MANY THINGS to love about this post that I hardly know where to start!

    Arik: Great job, and I want to have this dream come true. I want to live in this world!

    Anonymiss: I'm worried.

  3. I should have added that if I win the Presidency, you're getting a cabinet post, Arik, probably whether you like it or not...

    1. Well, seeing how our esteemed President himself is only essentially one step away from being Anonymous, I guess you'd qualify for consideration... But I might have to see a resume. No offense intended, of course...

    2. Geeeeeez. You don't trust me? I am a woman. I could improve your cabinet's diversity, you know ;)

    3. I want Treasury. I can hang out a big sign that says, "Bankruptcy sale: Everything must go!"

      And Anonymiss can be Secretary of Labor. I believe she has a lot of experience in that department.

    4. On second thought, I want the Vice Presidency. I have the qualifications: Brain aneurysm requiring surgery and ability to say something stupid at any given moment.

      And I wsnt my wife for head of the ATF. Any guns she grabs will likrly end up in her private collection.

  4. The majestic brilliance of this post is breathtaking!

    May it go viral.

    1. Thank you! Feel free to share it with friends and family!