Saturday, January 19, 2013

Declaration of Dependence

King Barack Hussein Obama I

So I was eating lunch at work today, which is a thing I do during my unpaid lunch break, and I was surfing the interwebs while doing so...another thing I do during my unpaid lunch break, which is unpaid, so I feel ok with that.

Anywho, I did one of those six degrees of Wikipedia things and ended up on the Declaration of Independence. If you don't know what I mean by that, I mean you start with some topic, like gout or something and 20 minutes later you are reading about the Declaration of Independence and have no idea how you got there. And this only takes a few clicks to do, hence "degrees of Wikipedia". If you are still lost, look it up on Wikipedia. You'll be reading about something completely unrelated in no time.

Anyway, so I read through the Declaration of Independence. I've, of course, read it before many times, even in college where they still reluctantly teach about such things. This document, unbeknownst to a lot of people amazingly, was basically a letter to English Parliament about King George III. It was pretty much a list of grievances and the official reasons why the upstart American colonists were seceding from England. While reading it, I noticed that a few of those listed grievances could be applied to Obama as well. I submit the following:

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures. 
Golf courses, beer summits, closed door sessions...

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harrass our people, and eat out their substance.
Czars, ObamaCare regulations, IRS expansions, unprecedented levels of bureaucracy... 

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:
The United Nations and their gun control attempts, global warming initiatives, allowing human rights councils to be populated by the worst human rights offenders in the world, etc.

And really, these are the most direct ones I could use. If you read through the thing, you can make more comparisons. But what I really wondered about is, what would a modern day Declaration of Dependence written by Obama supporters look like? You know, to make the case for proclaiming him King Obama? So I wrote my version of it:

IN THE WHITE HOUSE, January 20th, 2013

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for The One president to tell the people what to do, and to assume the powers of the Earth,  the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle Him, a decent respect to the opinions of Obama requires that He should declare the causes which impel the masses to obey Him.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, except that some are more equal than others, that they are endowed by their government with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of free stuff.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of Obama, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Republican's fault, because they are racist. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while people still have guns, than to right themselves by abolishing the guns. But when a long train of welfare lines, pursuing invariably the same Objects they want, like cell phones and potato chips, evinces a design to reduce them under ObamaCare, it is their right, it is their duty, to simply accept it.--Such has been the patient sufferance of these States; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present Presidency of the United States is a history of repeated racism, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
Republicans have refused Obama's Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public welfare.
Republicans have forbidden Obama's supporters to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till their Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, they have utterly neglected to attend to them.
They have refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of occupiers, unless those hippies would relinquish the right of Representation in their parents' basements, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
They have called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, like the House or the Senate, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them with pointing out reality.
They have dissolved stupid ideas repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness Obama's invasions on the rights of the people.
They have refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause other idiot Judges and Secretaries to be appointed.

They have endeavoured to prevent the illegal population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the breaking of Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and blocking the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands by the federal government.
They have obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing Obama's Attempts to give Mexican drug cartels "assault" weapons.
They have made Judges dependent on the Constitution alone, for the tenure of their offices, instead of Obama's Will alone.
They have erected a multitude of Spending Cuts, and sent hither swarms of Bills to harrass our ability to spend, and eat out our substance. To spend moooooar.
They have kept among us, in times of peace, law-abiding citizens with licensed weapons without the Consent of Obama.
They have affected to render the Military powerful and superior to the other governments' power.
They have combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction of our constitution, and unacknowledged by our ideologies; giving their Assent to Acts of pretended Legislation based on this old timey constitution:
For not allowing Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
For not allowing any Murders which we should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
For cutting off our Trade with some parts of the Muslim world:
For not imposing Taxes on the rich without their Consent:
For depriving us in many cases, of the benefits of drone strikes on citizens:
For transporting us beyond Seas to kill those that would harm us.
For not abolishing the free System of Capitalist Trade in the States, establishing therein an Arbitrary system of commerce, and enlarging our economy so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for how to increase wealth:
For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Ideologies, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments with stupid math and reality:
For suspending our own bad ideas, and declaring themselves invested with power to protect the people from Us.
They have abdicated Government here, by declaring the People Free Individuals and waging Reality against us.
They have plundered nothing, ravaged nothing, burnt nothing, and destroyed Nobody. Really, who does that?
They are at this time transporting large amounts of money back to the People, which is totally unworthy the Heads of a civilized nation.
They have constrained our fellow Citizens that don't work to actually find a job, to become useful to Society, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
They have excited domestic insurrections amongst Us, in the form of Tea Parties, and have endeavoured to bring the Principles of our Constitution against us, the merciless Bill of Rights, whose known rule of government, is an undistinguished destruction of all We stand for.
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most arrogant terms: Our repeated Occupations have been answered only by repeated laughter. A Person whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Free Person, is unfit to be  a free person.
Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our Republican brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our having won here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of social justice and of free handouts. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace still Enemies.
We, therefore, King Barack Hussein Obama I of the united States of America, in the White House, Assembled, appealing to the Deadbeats of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by Authority of Obama, solemnly publish and declare, That We are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent of Republicans, the People, and the Constitution; that they are Absolved, and that all political connection between them and Us, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and Independent Monarch, has full Power to levy Taxes, conclude more Taxes, contract Taxes, establish Taxes, and to do all other Taxes and Things which Independent Monarchs may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of My divine Providence, We mutually pledge to Ourselves, our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor. And Taxes.

-- Signed, Barack Hussein Obama I, King, Emperor, God, God-Emperor, Emperor-God, God of Gods, and Spaghetti Monster-God-King-Emperor.

Well, I think it would go something like that.


  1. Haha beautiful. If only they were separated from us by a large ocean...I'd say let them go without a fight. No guns required.

  2. In high school, I did a short rewrite of the Declaration, and seceded from History class. The teacher was actually amused, poor lady. A full year of me in class could tax pretty much anyone.