Since like many in the conservative blogosphere I’m considering running for President of these United States in 2016, I thought it might be advantageous to start making my positions on various important topics clear. So let’s start with Diplomacy! And where would our diplomatic efforts be without that ever-present sandy migraine known as Saudi Arabia?
To the Powers that Be in Saudi Arabia:
Dear Saudis, let's face it - this relationship is just not working out. Not for us, and not for anyone in your country who isn't one of the countless members of the royal family, or directly connected to them business-wise, and certainly not for any of your women, at all. And thanks to our burgeoning energy independence (yay fracking!), we find ourselves day by day less motivated to continue the charade that has to date kept the pipelines open.
So here's what we're going to do:
We're going to bomb your country.
But we're going to do it in a ridiculously polite, uniquely American sort of way...
Starting at Jeddah, and working our way across towards Bahrain, and also starting at the three-way Saudi/Yemeni/Omani border intersection and heading Northwest towards Beirut, we're going to inscribe a gigantic CROSS across your entire territory, with Riyadh being right in the vertex.
This is not a religious statement, it just makes sense topographically.
Now being the wonderful and decent people that we are, we will happily provide a helpful clue to those Saudis who can read (which given the typical gender spread, coupled with a significant portion of the population being nomadic tribesmen, probably just means "those in charge")... Right after our bombs start to fall, you'll see wild celebrations break out randomly and spontaneously across your entire country, because at first all the bombs will seem to be duds.
None of them will explode on impact - guaranteed.
Don't be fooled.
We're going to space them out, roughly one every ten miles along these paths. Every other bomb will be the type that will come to rest at least 45 feet beneath the sand (and lesser but still subterranean depths when falling upon rock) while remaining fully operational. The other 50% will set down on the surface, in full glorious view, twenty miles from its nearest visible twin.
Resist the temptation to mess with them. Or touch them. Or even go near them. They will self-arm once in place.
They each will have a ten-mile blast radius.
In case you have difficulty with basic geometry, this means their United-States-of-America-engineered and Texas-made awesome zones of utter nuclear annihilation overlap. And they're touchy.
So are we.
At a time and specific place of our choosing, our Marines are going to start enjoying ham sandwiches in Mecca. Have a problem with this? Then enjoy the crater of glazed glass smoldering way out in the Empty Quarter.
See that refurbished building over there in Riyadh? Yeah, the pretty one... That's an Evangelical church. You'd best see that no harm comes to the Americans staffing it, else Jeddah's going to have one Shaitan of a fallout problem.
When you pis-, when you anger us sufficiently, or disagree with us on something important, or just smell really horrible when one of us is nearby, we’ll set off another bomb.
We’ll start way out in Nowheresville (ask a translator), and inch towards your cities ten glazed-and-glowing miles at a time. That gives you plenty of motivation, and plenty of time, to change your ways before you lose anything of significance.
Why would we do such a thing?
Because we’re the good guys.
You trained the terrorists who knocked down our towers. You export lethal and virulent theology and strategies which imperil the whole world. You and your trainees have bombed more locations than we can keep track of without our eyes glazing over.
You've known all along we could take your oil fields - which we developed for you - any time we wished. Yet so far we never have, and instead we've been "the nice guys" and have let you rape us economically for decades. Why? Because the vast majority of us didn't understand that your entire culture equates "being nice" with "being weak".
We scoff upon hearing you say things like "In the United States there's really no difference between the Democrats and the Republicans", because we know better. But from your point of view you're correct - because we didn't understand the scale... we didn't know what you were comparing us to. You're right, by and large. In America politicians from neither party will do things like barbecue their potential opponents' children, just to make a point. You'll never see a gang of SEIU agitators burn an entire Texas town down because it traditionally votes conservative. You don't see us doing absolutely everything within our power to hang onto our astounding might and influence, and you see our decency as a crippling disability you're ready to exploit.
But you're forgetting a few things.
· Flying jets into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and a Pennsylvanian field isn't power.
· Sucking black crude out of the ground isn't power.
· Throwing acid into the faces of schoolgirls because they want to learn to read isn't power.
· Locking schoolgirls into a burning building because they're not allowed to flee the flames unless completely properly dressed isn't power.
· Dancing around in the sand wearing genie-robes and firing Russian rifles into the air while chanting mindlessly isn't power.
· And certainly throwing history's biggest babyish temper tantrums over CARTOONS isn't power.
Allow me to cite a few random counter-examples:
· Our Constitution is power.
· Our Industries are power.
· Our Interstate Highway System is power.
· Our hospital system - certainly before Obamacare (which it will outlast) - is power.
· Our school systems, which churn out more female doctorates then male these days (yay!), are power.
· Our technological know-how, which enables among countless other things our ability to rain hellfire down upon our enemy’s leaders, day or night, while they’re in motion, while we’re sitting in comfy chairs in air conditioned rooms half a planet away, is some very impressive power. Many of us enjoy the videos!
We're now officially bored with your violence, your bigotry, your hilariously antithetical arrogance, and your stubborn refusal to join the 20th Century, much less the 21st.
So we've decided to occupy your country. Not with our troops, at least no moreso than we already are, but with sophisticated, automated, robotic death machines capable of French-kissing* the Earth with the power of the Sun. You're actually not important enough for us to really occupy your country the traditional way.
You don’t impress us. And we’re tired of your whining.
Here's what we really think of you, as "a people", and to be clear - we mean this culturally not genetically. What's wrong with you isn't your ethnicity - it is everything you teach yourselves from cradle to grave. Despite your few modern cities, you are culturally barbarians. If you hadn’t been born over an ocean of oil (that you were unable to access without foreign assistance), you’d all be homeless nomads traversing drifting sands - slavers and slaves, afraid of afrit. Many of you still are.
Your median age is 25 years, four months. The vast majority of you weren't even born the last time WE set foot on the Moon.
You want to impress us?
To paraphrase Sam Kinison; There's the Moon - go bring back our flag!
This will be my administration's position.
Welcome to the New Diplomacy!
* an alien concept, I realize, but you can look it up.