Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Gaaaaaah! I Hate the Flu

Like Keln, I was down sick all last week, and I must say it was highly frustrating.  I don’t want it to happen again.  Of course, I blame all of the ruddy kids for this sickness.  That is not acceptable, so I did some research. It’s time to get out the big guns. It’s time to go back to the golden age of parenting.  A time when parents were parents, and kids were expendable. A time when parents could rear their children without having to worry about the government accusing them of ‘abuse’ or ‘neglect’ or ‘the willful and felonious endangerment of a minor.’ Thanks to the all-powerful internet, I was able to find an article from the ‘40s that describes just exactly how our parenting forefathers would deal with these outbreaks, guaranteed to eliminate the outbreak in less than a week’s time. To sum up, here is the process:
·                     Day one of outbreak: Collect all the potentially contaminated clothing and boil them, stirring vigorously until they completely dissolve. Discard and sew new clothing out of previously stored homespun cloth.
·                     Day two of outbreak: Boil the cats. (This step may be done at anytime, regardless of whether or not there is an outbreak. In fact, it is recommended that this is done anytime one encounters a cat).
·                     Day three of outbreak: If illness persists, collect all potentially contaminated sheets and linens and boil them in triplicate. In between boiling sessions, douse mattresses in water and place outside to freeze. Using a sledgehammer, break mattresses into small chunks and boil separately. Restuff mattresses with the hair you have pulled out in frustration and sew pieces back together with pre-boiled catgut thread (see day two).
·                     Day four of outbreak: If illness persists, collect the pots and pans used to boil things, and boil them.
·                     Day five of outbreak: If illness persists, repeat all the activities of previous four days.
·                     Day six of outbreak: If illness persists, lure as many of the neighborhood children as possible into your home and boil them.
·                     Day seven of outbreak: If illness persists, boil all infected offspring in a solution of boric acid, stirring continuously until dissolved. Discard and re-impregnate yourself or your significant other and start over from scratch. You may also re-impregnate the neighbors, but only upon request.
·                     Day eight: Revel in your disease-free environment.

This was a brief excerpt from the medical segment of Uncle Sid's Guide to Homeschool Your Hellions, available at Amazon for kindle.  If you enjoyed it, give it a look.  All the proceeds go to charity.

1 comment:

  1. If I start boiling things now, can I avoid the flu altogether? What should I start with?