HRod: Sasha, you have to give me the inside scoop. Why is your dad trying to force me out of State?
HRod: I’ve noticed his inner circle is all men. Is it because I’m a woman?
SashO: Oh, no. Of course not. You’re well past menopause, and the way you dress, I’m not sure he even knows you are a woman.
SashO: I mean that in a good way. Not like that Rice woman, wanting to blow some country up every four weeks. Oh, no. Daddy loves woman. He even drives from the women’s tee. He won’t even let men touch his laundry or food or clean anything. Women are just superior that way. He’s always been a strident feminist.
HRod: And what about Michelle? Is she a feminist too?
SashO: Oh, no. Daddy would never allow that. But I’m sure your resignation has nothing to do with your sex.
HRod: Is it racial then? Is it because I am white?
SashO: Absolutely not. If you only knew.
HRod: Knew what?
SashO: You didn’t hear this from me, but daddy’s not black.
HRod: Everyone knows he’s a mulatto.
SashO: It’s more than that. You can’t breathe a word of this. But he’s not even half-black. He’s not black at all. It’s just an overall body tattoo and expired hair products. Grandma realized at a very early age that, given daddy’s limited abilities, he could never make it in this world as a white man. He needed the edge up of minority status. So she had him fixed. His given name was Herschel Goldschmidt. Here's the big secret. The fake birth certificates weren’t created to fix his birthplace but his name and race. And she sent him to Kenya for a few years for the cred. So no, I don’t think your whiteness has anything to do with it.
HRod: Then what is it? Was it the time I put that superglue in Joe’s clown wig at the victory party?
SashO: That was really funny, but no.
HRod: Was it because Bill made a pass at you and Malia last Christmas? In his defense, he was really high, and they were candy cigars?
SashO: Ewww gross, but no.
HRod: Was it because I picked all of the marshmallows out of his Lucky Charms?
HRod: Did he find out I was the one who switched his blow with Folger’s Crystals?
HRod: Because I told Michelle about his Ding Dong stash?
SashO: No, but she did sit him down and made him watch her eat them all at once. For his own good.
HRod: He found out I was the one who loaded excerpts from The Federalist Papers onto his telepromptor?
SashO: No, though no one at the Democratic National Convention was happy with that speech.
HRod: Look, don’t make me guess.
SashO: I shouldn’t.
HRod: Tell me.
SashO: OK, it was that Benghazi thing.
HRod: Oh, that actually makes a lot of sense.