Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Guest Post: Why Nuking Politics is Racist

And now a guest post from the lovely Anonymiss:

Why NP is racist.


I don't know. You guys harp about how much you love diversity, but obviously, your love ends with walkingdead's chili beans. LOOK at the bloggers on this site!  I mean it's ridiculous. They are all the same person with different haircuts.  How can we expect a diversified, well-rounded display of political satire when it's all coming from essentially the same source?  I've been observing things around here for a while. Apparently, to be a blogger on this site, you have to meet certain "CRITERIA".  Of course, this is top-secret. So promise not to tell anybody. Ok?


KELN'S CRITERIA

1. Obviously, you must be male. DUH!  He may SAY he wants a female blogger, but If they let women in here they'd start talking about whether or not Harry Reid and John Boehner wore the SAME suit to the Inauguration and whether or not HIllary needs a nose job...or something. She definitely needs something. Of course we can't have that! We have to stick with the real issues. Like the flu. The Oscars.  Al Jazeera. and Goats.


2. You must be white. Like really white. The whiter the better. Not just Caucasian. If you have ever had or ever plan to get a tan in the future, you need not apply.  (I actually meet this one)


3. You must be old.  No young whippersnappers allowed around here. What do they know, anyway?  Mid 30's is the bare minimum. If you still have all your hair, this is not the blog for you. [I am only 34 and have all my hair...just saying. -ed.]


4. You must be happily married.  This lends a stability to our bloggers we can't find in those single ne'er-do-wells.  Keln made this rule after he signed on walkingdead and found him to be...well...a little lacking in the dependable department.  All those hot women hitting on him cuts into his blogging time. Happily married men who meet criteria number 3 have been married long enough that their significant others are HAPPY that they have chosen a hobby that 1. Keeps them out of their hair, 2. Doesn't cost anything. and 3. Doesn't involve other women.  (See #1 above)  They can then spend all their spare time writing lots of posts and that makes Keln rich.  And Keln's the one that chooses the bloggers. [I do likes me some money - ed.]


5.. You must be really smart. Like off the charts smart. Average IQ around here is genius level. Stupid people aren't allowed.  (Do these guys KNOW about the ADA? Geez. And they say they're not prejudiced.) I think Keln hedged the ADA rules by hiring Lactose and Arik. They each have more metal in them than the average automaton.


5a. Besides the required intelligence level, it also helps if you know lots of useless information.  The more random, the better. [Especially if it relates to Monty Python or Star Wars. - ed.]


6. You must be religious.  You may choose your own type of religion, but you must be Christian and devout.  As Marx said, "religion is the opiate of the masses". Keln wants bloggers he can easily keep in line.


7. You must love horror movies. I don't meet this criteria myself, and I'm not sure WHY exactly it's required. The love of blood and guts and icky things jumping out apparently makes a good blogger. Go figure.


8. You can't be a lawyer. We hate lawyers. But, it helps if your father was one.


8a. You also can't be a hippie.  EWWWWW.


9. The love of beer is a perk. Not required, but recommended.


10. You can't enjoy exercise. That's just WRONG.  If you do Zumba...or know anybody who does Zumba, or even KNOW what Zumba IS, you're disqualified. [Yeah...pretty much. -ed.]


11. You must be funny. Admittedly, it is REALLY HARD to find someone who meets all the above criteria and still meets this one. Religious smart old married guys? Funny? Really hard. But I think here at NP we have found the 6 Americans who do. (Btw, it doesn't matter if you use the same joke over and over and OVER. See #3. They don't notice)

So, like Keln is always saying, submit your posts to nukingpolitics@gmail.com.  We love guest bloggers!  (However, if you don't meet the above criteria, don't be surprised if they get ignored)  :)  Have a nice day!

24 comments:

  1. Bravissima!

    You have certainly got us nailed: A bunch of racist, sexist homophobes who want women to die in the street. Or something.

    More, Please!

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    1. Thank you. :) I never said you wanted us to die in the street, silly....just stay in the kitchen and make constant sandwiches--with bacon, preferably.

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  2. 1) I am completely male; breathtakingly or boringly straight, depending on how you view such things. I would say "proudly" male except that I prefer pride to be based on accomplishments and I had nothing to do with having been born male. Happy about it, though. Also, let's hear no more about a man's "feminine side". There IS no such thing, and such characterizations do a gross disservice to the true and real phenomena of masculine nurturing (which is one of the main masculine characteristics that welfare cannot help but to destroy). And don’t ever forget – when you see an “effeminate” man, that’s not about “emulating the feminine”, that’s about mocking the feminine. I prefer to embrace the feminine, and to be clear here In my case I’m referring to my wife, not to a mode of expression..
    Score one for you!

    2) I am not only “white” melaninistically, but also (according to others) culturally. I prefer to think of my culture as “American”, not “white”, but there are those who would disagree. We call them racist idiots. The skin color I don’t care about, but the culture I profoundly do. I am a self-confessed rampant culturalist. Plus, I can tan. Not very well, mind you, but it is possible. I can only vote you half-credit on this point.

    3) I’m getting OLD, rapidly, but – and this is VERY important – I still have all my hair! In fact, if my uncle is anyone to judge by – I’ll probably have it all my life, no matter the age. In fact, I’m getting harrier, and have to spend time in front of the mirror I wouldn’t have dreamed of spending when I was younger, making certain hair isn’t sprouting from my nose and ears, and ensuring my eyebrows don’t get me accused of being a wizard. Half-credit again.

    4) Point to you.

    5) Is there any way I can award you a point here without seeming like a braggart?

    5a) This is a setup, right? Your “5a” is a “Spanish Inquisition” reference, right?

    6) Point to you again, and besides – I’m allergic to real opiates.

    7) HA! At last! I don’t love horror movies. I usually don’t even like them. But I respect them, and draw from them to make pithy cultural statements. This makes me seem smart (see #5 above)

    8 & 8a) We can’t award points for stating the obvious. You could illegally run the score up that way, like getting people to agree with you that the sky is “usually blue” during the day, and that most of the time you encounter water, it seems “wet”.

    9) I’m confused… was that statement about us bloggers, or were you just observing a general rule of life?

    10) In all honesty, and without me resorting to Google, just what the heck is a Zumba? I really don’t know. Did you make that word up? Sounds like a robot vacuum cleaner or something.

    11) Keln usually gives me a pass on this one. It isn’t my strong suit, or as walkingdead might say, not my “forté".

    Thank you very much for posting!

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    1. Hunter, I think you are the first person besides myself who I have heard refer to themselves as a "culturalist". I am in complete agreement with that line of reasoning.

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    2. Hunter and Keln: I have yet to see any conclusive proof that you still have all your hair. However, owing to the fact that I find you both fairly trustworthy, I will take you at your word. I guess when I read your posts I just picture old bald guys. Oops. ;) I just happen to have all my hair as well. I figured that was one of the points against me....but maybe there's hope...

      No, Hunter, Zumba is not a vacuum or a fictional Seuss character. (For Seuss, your go-to guy is Lactose. Read his book yet?) Zumba is my PASSION. Currently, my ONLY passion. It is only the most awesome fun way to tone your body and look sexy while doing it. What's not to like? I just became a licensed instructor. My whole life I hated exercise. HATED IT. I have never really been overweight, but I've never been in very good shape...until now. I had hit a really stressful time in my life and my sister sent me some dvds...and they changed everything. I've pretty much done it 6 days a week since. (Do I sound like an infomercial yet? Sorry.) I really love it. You just DANCE. I had to learn to move my hips which took some time. I was unaccustomed to that and wasn't sure I was even capable of it (I'm an engineer, for pete's sake, it's probably against some law)...but I eventually learned and I love it. The combination of music, movement and endorphins is just awesome. I look forward to it everyday. It makes you feel sexy. That's good, right? Sooooo....Keln and Hunter...hint hint....What do you think about mentioning it to your wives?? I have a few beginning DVDs I'm not using right now. No, I'm not making jokes that they need to lose weight. I'm just sayin...it will reduce their stress, keep them toned and make them HAPPY. Happy wives are good. I've also heard it can be quite enjoyable to watch. ;) Just sayin. Guys can also do it. The person who started the whole thing was a sexy Columbian GUY. So if you want lessons so that you can knock the socks off of your wives, I'm your girl. One word. ZUMBA. It changed my life. :) Haha Don't think I'm trying to sell you anything. I just love it. I can't help wanting to share something that makes me happy. :) But I know. I know. It makes me an outcast at NP. :(

      P.S. My friend took my blogger pic last fall. How old do you think I am? Yes. That is all my own hair.

      P.P.S. Hunter, I'm with you on the horror movies. I can't STAND them...

      P.P.P.S. Hunter, I don't know what you're talking about. You are VERY funny. Sure, your serious posts are serious...but when you're funny, you're really funny :)

      P.P.P.P.S. Keln? It seems like Hunter is missing a few points...and walkingdead's not married...let's see...I'm not male, happily married or a horror nut....But I'm pale, religious and not a LAWYER!!! Maybe there's hope for me? But I'm not giving up Zumba. Don't ask. :)

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    3. And I'm not a fan of horror flicks either.

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    4. I have a wife who could do to be whipped into shape. I'd do it myself, but all I have is a riding crop...

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    5. Zumba is fun! They gave me some dvds at my training that I already had...so if you're serious....I could send them on. Or maybe they could be prizes in my next guest blog post quiz. Hmmmmm.

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    7. You are kind and generous, but I suspect such largesse would be wasted on us lazy folk!

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    8. Yeah. Like walkingdead's prize, it would pretty much eliminate all comments.

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    9. But at least you could mention it!

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    10. Which is precisely why I do zumba.

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    11. I have something I do when the stress gets high, but Keln won't let me mention it, like walkingdead's prize.

      Power flickered here, kids wouldn't go to bed... "We're skeered!" I was walking the dog when the transformer blew, big green and red flashes. Lit up the sky. No noise, though. Maybe too much wind... They finally went to sleep. That took away a great deal of stress.

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    12. By the way, I'm serious when I say I really enjoyed this post, and it looks like everyone else also took it in the spirit it was (I hope) intended. I look forward to reading more from you. You have a very sharp wit.

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    13. Thank you..but now you've got me curious..:)

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    14. You really don't want to know! :)

      Unless you're wondering why I'm looking forward to more, which I thought was self-explanatory!

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  3. I'm going bald

    that's my only comment on this.

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  4. "Of course, this is top-secret..."

    All I can say to this, having been privy to a lot of top secrets over the years, is that top secret = top boring.

    The exciting stuff is on sites like "Above Top Secret" and "Infowars", which is to say...stuff that is made up but not actually true.

    Because reality has no unicorns. That is why the left abhors reality.

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    1. Oh, I see. You'd rather I MADE STUFF UP rather than expose the truth. Hmmm.... I believe you just called me boring. Not sure I like that much.

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    2. Actually that comment had nothing to do with you or your post. Just a quick jab at the left.

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  5. Actually, Arik, a riding crop is what I prefer. I've been a baaaad girl! ;)

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