Why NP is racist.
I don't know. You guys harp about how much you love diversity, but obviously, your love ends with walkingdead's chili beans. LOOK at the bloggers on this site! I mean it's ridiculous. They are all the same person with different haircuts. How can we expect a diversified, well-rounded display of political satire when it's all coming from essentially the same source? I've been observing things around here for a while. Apparently, to be a blogger on this site, you have to meet certain "CRITERIA". Of course, this is top-secret. So promise not to tell anybody. Ok?
1. Obviously, you must be male. DUH! He may SAY he wants a female blogger, but If they let women in here they'd start talking about whether or not Harry Reid and John Boehner wore the SAME suit to the Inauguration and whether or not HIllary needs a nose job...or something. She definitely needs something. Of course we can't have that! We have to stick with the real issues. Like the flu. The Oscars. Al Jazeera. and Goats.
2. You must be white. Like really white. The whiter the better. Not just Caucasian. If you have ever had or ever plan to get a tan in the future, you need not apply. (I actually meet this one)
3. You must be old. No young whippersnappers allowed around here. What do they know, anyway? Mid 30's is the bare minimum. If you still have all your hair, this is not the blog for you. [I am only 34 and have all my hair...just saying. -ed.]
4. You must be happily married. This lends a stability to our bloggers we can't find in those single ne'er-do-wells. Keln made this rule after he signed on walkingdead and found him to be...well...a little lacking in the dependable department. All those hot women hitting on him cuts into his blogging time. Happily married men who meet criteria number 3 have been married long enough that their significant others are HAPPY that they have chosen a hobby that 1. Keeps them out of their hair, 2. Doesn't cost anything. and 3. Doesn't involve other women. (See #1 above) They can then spend all their spare time writing lots of posts and that makes Keln rich. And Keln's the one that chooses the bloggers. [I do likes me some money - ed.]
5.. You must be really smart. Like off the charts smart. Average IQ around here is genius level. Stupid people aren't allowed. (Do these guys KNOW about the ADA? Geez. And they say they're not prejudiced.) I think Keln hedged the ADA rules by hiring Lactose and Arik. They each have more metal in them than the average automaton.
5a. Besides the required intelligence level, it also helps if you know lots of useless information. The more random, the better. [Especially if it relates to Monty Python or Star Wars. - ed.]
6. You must be religious. You may choose your own type of religion, but you must be Christian and devout. As Marx said, "religion is the opiate of the masses". Keln wants bloggers he can easily keep in line.
7. You must love horror movies. I don't meet this criteria myself, and I'm not sure WHY exactly it's required. The love of blood and guts and icky things jumping out apparently makes a good blogger. Go figure.
8. You can't be a lawyer. We hate lawyers. But, it helps if your father was one.
8a. You also can't be a hippie. EWWWWW.
9. The love of beer is a perk. Not required, but recommended.
10. You can't enjoy exercise. That's just WRONG. If you do Zumba...or know anybody who does Zumba, or even KNOW what Zumba IS, you're disqualified. [Yeah...pretty much. -ed.]
11. You must be funny. Admittedly, it is REALLY HARD to find someone who meets all the above criteria and still meets this one. Religious smart old married guys? Funny? Really hard. But I think here at NP we have found the 6 Americans who do. (Btw, it doesn't matter if you use the same joke over and over and OVER. See #3. They don't notice)
So, like Keln is always saying, submit your posts to email@example.com. We love guest bloggers! (However, if you don't meet the above criteria, don't be surprised if they get ignored) :) Have a nice day!