President Obama, Vice President Biden and Michelle Obama are meeting with the press to announce their new proposed gun control initiative. (source)
Barack: Let me be clear, I have been harshly maligned in the media on this issue. The GOP has tried to paint me as some kind of monster that hates the second amendment, someone who thinks NRA membership should be designated as a mental illness. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Like our Founding Fathers, I believe that the second amendment exists to protect our right to hunt and shoot targets. Recreational gun use is a big part of my life.
Michelle: It’s true. The first thing we do when we get to Martha’s Vineyard is strip down to our bathing suits and have a big old Super Soaker fight. We certainly don’t want to take this harmless fun from our family.
Joe: And excuse me for interrupting for a moment, but I think it is important for everyone to know this. This administration uses guns all the time. Whenever we go to Camp David, the Secret Service folks get bored sometimes, and Barack and I, Obama bless me, will while away the hours watching them shoot clay pigeons. Sometimes when Barack gets really brave, they will let him push the lever that lets those clay birdies fly.
Barack: And the current Bo is turning out to be quite the hunting dog. Gathers up those skeet lickety-split, and Michelle has a wonderful – and low fat – skeet stew she whips up for us. We’re firm believers in eating what you hunt.
Joe: And you should taste her rotisserie snipe. Any time I get out my old shotgun and bag my limit of snipe, I haul them back here on bended knee pleading for her to spit those up for me. Nothing quite like good ole down home, country cooking.
Barack: I couldn’t agree more. But we can have all the shooting fun we want without high capacity magazines and scary assault rifles. Show them what I mean, Joe.
Joe: Take a look at this pistol, for instance.
Barack: Woe, Joe. You’re holding it backwards. Point it away from your face.
Joe: Quit yer fretting. The safety’s on. (Bang)
Michelle: OMGolly! You just shot Helen Thomas.
Barack: Is she dead?
Joe: How can you tell?
Michelle: I thought she died years ago.
Joe: She doesn’t smell any different. You see, folks. This is why you shouldn’t let the mentally deficient have guns.
Barack: Don’t worry Joe. I can pardon anyone I want. Go on.
Joe: Now let’s take a look at this fully automatic military assault rifle, just like the ones we gave the Mexican cartel. I think this thing here is the safety. (Ratatatatatatatatatatatatat)
Michelle: Oh the humanity! Obamacare! Obamacare! We need you now!
Joe: You see how dangerous these guns can be in the wrong hands? You see how much more quickly I could kill folks with this compared to the pistol?
Michelle: OMG, Joe! You’ve killed Norah O’Donnell, Juan Williams and Rachel Maddow! And wounded countless others.
Joe: They were only journalists. No worries. A dime a dozen. Besides, if their deaths result in better gun control laws, they would be happy to make the sacrifice.
Hillary: Nothing to see here. Move along. It’s only four dead Americans. What does it matter? This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Let’s not bicker about who killed who.