Thursday, February 7, 2013

Environmentalists Have Found the Next Spotted Owl

AP - Earth First and PETA have combined forces to fight what they have termed the biggest massacre of the environment since DDT, which is devastating a once common species and bringing it to the brink of extinction.
The Earth First representative was clearly baked, and the fragment of his comments that was intelligible was not fit to print, but Ingrid of PETA had this to say about the dire situation.  “For decades now, there has been a coordinated effort to destroy these innocent species with a combination pogrom of habitat destruction and chemical and biological warfare.  There has even been a cultural war against these creatures aimed at making people think it is sexy to eradicate them and their homeland.  I, of course, am talking about the potential extinction of pubic lice and crabs.”
She continued, “I am invoking the blessed language of the Endangered Species Act to try and stop this species extinction.  First, no matter how culturally appealing it has become, I am pressing the courts to ban all destruction of the habitat of these species.  All waxing, Brazilian or otherwise, or even trimming of the pubic regions should be prohibited.  Their habitat must be preserved, and this horrid deforestation must cease.  Furthermore, the murder of these creatures with poisons and chemicals must be stopped.  We propose removing all such chemicals from the market immediately.  In addition, all individuals these creatures have chosen for their homelands will be clearly labeled as such, and they will become the property of the Federal government where they will enjoy the status of wildlife preserves.  In order to ensure the preservation of the species, all persons with wildlife preserve status will be allowed to copulate with anyone they wish, and their advances cannot be refused.  Did I happen to mention I am a preserve?  Channing Tatum, meet me at the Hilton.  It’s a sacrifice I am willing to make.”
When the White House was asked to comment, Obama released this statement: “Don’t blame me.  These whackos voted for Nader.  Ingrid, call me if you want some brown sugar.  You won’t print that last part, right?”


  1. The TSA, of course, will be doing random spot checks. They had to find some use for all those back-scatter X-Ray machines they're pulling from the airports!

  2. But, lice aren't cute, like snail darters and spotted owls. I hear they do make a delicious snack, though.

  3. Endangered, my foot. Every time OWS has a drum-in, it increases the population 10-fold.

  4. Do you mean to suggest that the Environmentalists are playing loose with the facts? How dare you?