Thursday, February 14, 2013

Happy Progressive St. Valentine's Day

Well, the Progressives are taking over, so I guess I might as well get in line.  Better learn how to walk the walk.  I think I’ll start with Valentine’s Day.  Here are some ways I think we can all celebrate this holiday in a true Progressive fashion.  Enjoy!
·         Give your sweetheart a bouquet of flowers plucked from a rich guy’s yard.
·         Buy your sweetheart an extravagant gift by raiding your grandchildren’s piggy banks.
·         Limit your wine consumption to16 ounces in a recycled cup.
·         Don’t use environmentally harmful wrapping paper.  Wrap your gifts in reusable, homespun fabric woven from your own body hair.
·         Give your sweetheart a book of coupons for 50% off at Planned Parenthood.
·         Use only recycled condoms.
·         Let your nanny plan your celebration for you.
·         Select a romantic eatery that follows Michelle Obama’s dietary recommendations.
·         Give the other sex a try this year.
·         Buy only dark chocolates for your sweetheart, the only non-racist kind of chocolate.
·         Instead of celebrating, take the money you would have spent and give it to Obama, so he can put it to a better use.
·         Do what Chris Matthews does. Instead of Barry White, play highlights of Obama speeches during the evening to achieve maximum tingle.
·         Buy everything for your celebration using food stamps.
·         Refuse to pay the escort, claiming you have a right to her services.
·         Lobby the government to eliminate St. Valentine’s Day since it violates the separation of church and state.  At least change the name so it doesn’t reference a saint.  Maybe something like: Chocolates and Jewelry in Exchange for Some Lovin’ Day. 


  1. Why do you need condoms if you can get free birth control and/or abortions?

  2. Ugh. I wrote that and now I'm disgusted. Lactose, your posts have such a powerful effect on me....I laugh but I'm sick to my stomach. Is that what you're going for?

  3. Ndnd demands I use only Dear Leader brand recycled condoms. I' not sure why, since she had me fixed years ago, but there you go.

    Maybe it's because the pictures of Dear Leader and his wife printed on the things are kind of a turnoff, prolonging her ordeal. Or maybe they give her something to look at so I don't bore her to sleep. Never can tell.

    1. TOO MUCH INFORMATION. No. Make that FAR too much information. GEEEEEEEEEEZ. Some of us around here are alone, you know. Have a heart for me and walkingdead!

    2. Sorry! My excuse: High in Vicodin! Let's hear it for the Vike!