Well, the Progressives are taking over, so I guess I might as well get in line. Better learn how to walk the walk. I think I’ll start with Valentine’s Day. Here are some ways I think we can all celebrate this holiday in a true Progressive fashion. Enjoy!
· Give your sweetheart a bouquet of flowers plucked from a rich guy’s yard.
· Buy your sweetheart an extravagant gift by raiding your grandchildren’s piggy banks.
· Limit your wine consumption to16 ounces in a recycled cup.
· Don’t use environmentally harmful wrapping paper. Wrap your gifts in reusable, homespun fabric woven from your own body hair.
· Give your sweetheart a book of coupons for 50% off at Planned Parenthood.
· Use only recycled condoms.
· Let your nanny plan your celebration for you.
· Select a romantic eatery that follows Michelle Obama’s dietary recommendations.
· Give the other sex a try this year.
· Buy only dark chocolates for your sweetheart, the only non-racist kind of chocolate.
· Instead of celebrating, take the money you would have spent and give it to Obama, so he can put it to a better use.
· Do what Chris Matthews does. Instead of Barry White, play highlights of Obama speeches during the evening to achieve maximum tingle.
· Buy everything for your celebration using food stamps.
· Refuse to pay the escort, claiming you have a right to her services.
· Lobby the government to eliminate St. Valentine’s Day since it violates the separation of church and state. At least change the name so it doesn’t reference a saint. Maybe something like: Chocolates and Jewelry in Exchange for Some Lovin’ Day.