AP (Washington DC) – At a press conference early this morning, Barack Obama empathized with Pope Benedict’s desire to relinquish his position as Pope and formally announced his decision to run as Benedict’s replacement. Later this week, he is planning to take a trip to Rome with his teleprompter to make his case to the papal conclave.
When asked what prompted him to make this decision, the President responded with the following: “My teleprompter prompted me to of course. (Paused for laughs). (There were no laughs). As I’ve reflected over my performance during my first term as America’s First Black President, I’ve come to the conclusion that you are not worthy of me. At every turn my goals to transform America into a heaven on earth were thwarted by evil racists, and it has led me to a singular conclusion. That conclusion is that my leadership style really doesn’t lend itself to compromising and working together. I’d be much more effective as an unquestionable dictator. And I'm really not comfortable with the idea of my reign ending before my death. So now that we've finished child-proofing the White House, I’ve decided it would be safe to leave this country in Joe’s capable hands and take my proper position as God’s right hand man and voice to the world where I can implement my, I mean His, divine program with impunity.”
When Lawrence O’Donnell expressed concern that President Obama may not be suitable for the position of Pope since he wasn’t even Catholic, Barack responded, “What, Larry? Are you a racist now, too? Like me, God is post racial. He doesn’t see race or creed or intelligence or ability. When you are the Chosen One, nothing can stop you. A little holy water and some wine and crackers and I’m good to go. And don’t you think it is about time? I mean, historians have proven that Jesus Christ was black, and yet in almost 2000 years the Catholic Church has yet to have a black Pope. I will be that First Black Pope. I can’t believe the papal conclave is racist, can you? And, since I will be Pope Barak the First, you won't have to bother remembering which roman numerals to put after my name. Heck, no one in the public school system can even figure out what all those V's and X's mean anyway.”
Rachel Maddow asked him about his plans for his first hundred days as Pope, and he had this to say: “Well, first of all, I’ll have to get rid of that awful Pope selection process. It’s so blatantly racist. Black smoke, you are not the Pope. White smoke, you are the Pope. What message is that sending to the world? Whites are approved by God. Blacks are not. Besides, the world hasn't been black and white since, what, the sixties? When was color invented again? If only I could read roman numerals I'd be able to figure out the copyright dates on those early color movies, then I'd know. Anyway, it's time to move things forward and win the future. I’m thinking in the future we should use marijuana smoke, or possibly peyote. Really make this process entertaining. Of course Michelle would like smoke with a nice lavender or puce hue, something that won't clash with her wardrobe or make her butt look bigger. I’m sure we can pull that off with modern pyrotechnics. Michelle would also like to replace the communion wafers with low-cal, low-carb, vegan friendly eco-wafers, preferably organic, and she has my blessing on that. For the rest of my agenda, you will have to just wait and see. But one thing is certain, the Catholic Church will no longer be concerned about Obamacare, birth control or gay marriage anymore, and priestesses may be making an appearance soon (wink, wink).
Following the press conference, Chris Matthews collapsed and was immediately hospitalized for what physicians are terming “Perpetual Tingle Syndrome.” He may never regain the use of his thighs.