Sunday, May 19, 2013

Nuke the Punchline - I'm not Fast. I'm Half-Fast.

Harvey over at IMAO has another straight line of the day up, so it is time to choose the winners of the last one:

Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

#5 jw :…well, they didn’t care when trashed the 2nd amendment, so i thought “hey, might as well get the 1st, too.”

#4 walruskkkch : …said, “Hey, they all work for us anyway, so what’s the big Effin’ deal?”

#3 a guy named Rob : …said “PROUS (phone records of unusual sourcing)? I don’t really think they exist.
…said “those phones weren’t tapped, they were just mostly tapped, which means slightly untapped, which is perfectly legal!”  [I love the Princess Bride  :)]

#2 James : . . . responded with a recording:

Please make your selection from the following.

Press 1 if you are Mexican drug cartel and need more guns
Press 2 if the IRS is bugging you and you are a liberal group
Press 3 if you are Darrell Issa and continue waiting till hell freezes over
Press 4 if you are a member of the Black Panthers and you will be forwarded to my cell phone
Press 5 if you have something new that we can blame on George Bush

all other callers please try later when the office is open. Our regular hours will resume on January 20, 2016.

And my favorite straight line of the day was from rodney dill:

Asked About Secretly Obtaining Phone Records on AP Journalists, Eric Holder…

said, “I wasn’t acting as AG… I’m really only half AG…

Take it away Eric the Orchestra Leader

A-one, two, a-one two three four

Half AG, philosophically,
Must, ipso facto, be not AG.
But half AG has got to be
Vis a vis, its entity. D’you see?

But can AG be said to be
Or not to be an entire AG
When half the AG is not AG
Due to some recent perjury?


La dee dee, one two three,
Eric the half AG.
A B C D E F G,
Eric the half AG.

Is this wretched dumb-AG,
Half-asleep, caught by AP,
Some freak from a menagerie?
No! It’s Eric the half AG!

Fiddle de dum, Fiddle de dee,
Eric the half AG.
Ho ho ho, tee hee hee,
Eric the half AG.

I love this jive, employee-ee,
bisected incidentally,
One summer afternoon by AP,
Loved just like Jay Carney.

Loved just like Jay Carney,
Semi-Jay Carney.

The End”
COOKIES to rodney dill!

I guess the competition for best judge will be commencing shortly.

I only have one thing to say to Keln.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

I love it when you guys comment on my NP lines. :)  I loved these responses to:

How much do you think little Frank J. will weigh when he finally appears? :)

#3 Dohtimes : ...using age as a guide he should have topped out at 93 pounds this morning

#2 Bob B. : ...depends on how many cookies he gets.

My favorite response was from Bob in Feenicks :

How much do you think little Frank J. will weigh when he finally appears? :)  With or without his rocket launcher?

Chocolate Chip COOKIES to Bob in Feenicks!
Btw, I think the actual birth weight was 8 lbs 1 oz - which makes Dohtimes the worst guess at 93 lbs :) and ME the closest with my guess of 8 lbs 3 oz.  Yay ME!!!


Here's a new line for you to try:

When he heard nearly one in five US children suffer from a mental disorder, President Obama... 


  1. ...said "well, there's 4 people who will never work for MY administration."

  2. keeps saying, "Everyday in everyway, I'm getting better and better."

  3. will cause five out of five to suffer in the future due to crushing debt.

  4. ...announced a task force to find those remaining 20% and give them a "correct" diagnosis

    ...sang in his best meatloaf voice "four out of 5 ain't bad..."

    ...announced that 1 out of 5 children will now pay a penalty for not being born with a pre-existing condition that required Obamacare to control, er assist them

    ...launched massive grass root protests dubbed Occupy Nursery Wards, or ONW, whose main focus is to bring justice to the 80% by exposing the 20% uppity, privledged, thinkers for what they are!! Now excuse him while he poops on a lands-end deluxe baby carriage

  5. Adamantly denied that he was a child at the same time as Holder, Pelosi, Hillary, and Harry.

  6. said, "I'm not a monster, I have the heart of a child..... I keep it in my desk drawer."

  7. said, "As soon as Holder finds those five... we'll start sorting it down to the one."

  8. ...increased abortion funding to take care of the other four.

    ...thought Biden could give them tips on how to enjoy their mental disorders.

  9. ...asked the IRS to increase their recruitment efforts.

  10. Truth is that he had them form a union so they could organize their disorders.