Thursday, May 30, 2013

Nuke the Punchline - A Woman Scorned

Harvey over at IMAO has another straight line of the day up, so it is time to choose the winners of the last one:

After Jon Stewart joked that Obama was a Muslim, President Obama “proved” he was a Christian by…



There were so many great lines this time I had to choose 10:

#10 Anonymiss:  living the tenets of his favorite scripture, John 16:3, everyday.

#9 Anonymiss:  minting his face on the Trillion Dollar Coin and changing his name to Caesar.

#8 Anonymiss: committing the commandments to memory.  "I've now memorized 57 commandments  -- I think one left to go."

#7 Anonymiss: upping the 7 Presidential pardons he was planning to 70 x 7.

#6 Anonymiss: Loving our enemies, blessing those that curse us, doing good to those that hate us, praying for them which despitefully use us and persecute us, and bowing to them who want to kill us in our sleep.

#5 Anonymiss: avenging the wrongful death of Jesus by ordering a drone strike on Israel.

#4 Anonymiss: building an ark and filling it with two of every animal, without regard for race, religion, gender or sexual orientation.

#3 Anonymiss : denouncing all Satanists, Atheists, Mormons, Tea Partiers, Ron Paul, Ayn Rand, Ross Perot, Thieves and Libertarians.

#2 Anonymissceasing to "kick against the pricks".  He didn't learn that much from the AP phone taps anyway.

My favorite straight line of the day was a BRILLIANT one from Anonymiss:

After Jon Stewart joked that Obama was a Muslim, President Obama “proved” he was a Christian by…asserting that his life was built on Biblical principles including: "this too shall pass", "to thine own self be true", and "never get involved in a land war in asia".

****************************************************************************************
*Update: Ok fine. Wow. You guys are as good as Obama at WHINE. Wow. :P

So let me get this straight. You didn't choose my list because you didn't think I was any good at straight lines...but you are DYING because your decidedly inferior judge has not yet posted her judgements of you?  Silly guys.  And then there's something about an alternative name for a mule and something something...??

So you don't like my lines...but you like my curves.  I see how it is.  Geeeeeez :)

Here are my favorite lines BESIDES the amazing ones posted above ;)  :

After Jon Stewart joked that Obama was a Muslim, President Obama “proved” he was a Christian by…

#5 walruskkkch: not taking his own name in vain.

#4 HokieGomer: wandering the desert for 40 days and nights, then realizing he was only in a sand bunker.

#3 can of spam: turning waterboarding into whine.

#2  plentyobailouts: While facing mecca, said a hail Mary on the upstroke.
And my favorite line besides mine :P was from rodney dill:
After Jon Stewart joked that Obama was a Muslim, President Obama “proved” he was a Christian by… offering to sacrifice Joe Biden as he doesn’t have a son.

Cookies to my faithful rodney dill!

By the way, can of spam, you are a SNOT!!!!!  Geeez.

****************************************************************************************

_______________________

"I can't believe the old guy won!"
"Nobody can"

It's true. Keln beat me. But, really, it's not over. I'm making plans. Don't anybody get too comfortable. :)

"Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy."
     
WHO SAID IT???

Cookies to the first person to leave the correct name in the comments.  NO GOOGLING. Anybody can google.
______________________

Lots of awesome responses to my last nuke the punchline!  My favorites were:



#3 GLENN:  GET OFF MY ......

#2 James: Another Weiner please.

and the best Nuke the Punchline was from Anonymiss:

Honey? Let's move.

________________________

Here's a new line for you to try:



Newsweek is for sale again. Obama plans to buy it and...

35 comments:

  1. ...turn it into a solar power company. Which will also fail.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Methinks the judging was just a bit biased on this one.

    No love for my "turning waterboarding into whine" line? It was my personal favorite of the set. (Despite putting it at #2)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought it was a brilliant line, actually. You are just acting like a big snot. Snot!

      Delete
    2. You're still my favorite non-actualized hypothetical female acquaintance on the 'net. Well, top 10 at least.

      Delete
    3. At least among those that don't require a credit card.

      Delete
    4. Wait. I do TOO. You still haven't paid me for the last time I let you win...

      I mean...ummmm....

      Nevermind :)

      Delete
    5. Is that why I never get those photos that would compromise any possibility of running for office (outside of NYC) that I ask for? Payment hasn't cleared yet?

      Delete
  3. ... put the $0.75 in change he got from his dollar into Biden's piggy bank.

    ReplyDelete
  4. ... have his own private publication to spread his agenda. Well, that and Politico.

    ReplyDelete
  5. ... give it to Jay Carney as a going away present.

    ReplyDelete
  6. ... and give himself a bailout.

    ReplyDelete
  7. ... so he could order SOMEONE to show up to Holder's off-the-record interview.

    ReplyDelete
  8. how about you post the real winners

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, let her have her joke. She needs all the self-esteem she can get after being beaten like a rented mule by Keln.

      Delete
    2. That said, I'm surprised she didn't post the answer to her quote quiz as comment #1, just to round out the whole exercise.

      Delete
    3. @ CoS - "beaten like a rented mule"

      So... is this your way of saying Anonymiss has a great @ss? :-D

      Delete
    4. @Harvey - More like referring to her as a nice piece of...

      Oh, never mind, I'm probably deep enough in the hole here anyway and should stop digging...

      Delete
    5. as a general rule, the more judges, referees and umpires insert themselves into the game, the less satisfying it is for the players.

      it isn't supposed to be about the judges, you see.

      Delete
    6. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    7. @can of spam: Oh. My. GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!! New levels of snottiness are being reached here today. Wow.

      @jw: Don't mind me. I'm just playing. :)

      Delete
    8. New levels? I'm just getting warmed up!

      Delete
    9. @can of spam - "I'm just getting warmed up!"

      That's what Vizzini thought.

      Delete
    10. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! You got him good, Rodney :)

      Delete
  9. @can of spam - I liked 9 and 10 the best of yours.

    10) … bringing a casserole to the post-show pot-luck.

    9) … wandering in the desert for forty years… or at least in a bunker for about 4 minutes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. #10 was the very first one I thought of. Anyone from the midwest (or possibly the south) would get that one in a heartbeat.

      I liked my #2 (waterboarding into whine) because it's both a play on words and an accurate description of Obama's attitude.

      Delete
    2. @Rodney Dill: I forgot to give you an Honorable Mention for the defenestration line. Hilarious! The first time I've ever heard that word outside of my European history class :)

      Delete
  10. ...and appoint Kathleen Sebelius to run the advertising collections.

    ReplyDelete
  11. ...keep up with what's going on in his administration, since his staff doesn't tell him squat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not certain, but the quote sounds like something that Groucho Marx would say.

      Delete
    2. It sure does, but that's not it. Try again :)

      (Cookies for trying!!)

      Delete
  12. Hmmm, Sounds like it could be:
    Will Rogers
    Erma Bombeck
    Dave Barry

    ReplyDelete
  13. Before I googled the right answer I thought it might be William Shatner or Woody Allen.

    ReplyDelete