Monday, August 12, 2013

Wherein I Make Fun of MSNBC

Let's get this straight right from the outset: I don't watch MSNBC. Oh, I've tried, even if just for laughs. But after a few minutes, my brain inevitably begins to hurt. If you've watched, you know what I mean: These are the most self-satisfied, self-described "intellectual" idiots in the history of idiocy. I'm tempted to say "I see Dumb People," but I won't because that would be stealing somebody else's 15 year old joke.

Fortunately, there are people out there who watch these morons so I don't have to. That way, I just get the select stupidity they throw out instead of having to marinate in it. And, with the ratings they draw, that appears to be the ONLY people watching this travesty of a "news channel." I use quotes to denote an ironic usage. You will find that helpful hint useful as you read, because, really, they really are that bad.

Just recently, Lawrence O'Donnell posited that something anyone with half a brain knows is true, is false, namely that liberal policies since the mid 1960s have resulted in the endangerment destruction of the nuclear family, but in particular the black family. He knows this is true because: Slavery is Bad. Yeah, there's an intellectual conclusion for you.

Also, one of their favorite commentators, Touré, explained that we shouldn't call George Zimmerman a Hispanic because he's a "Peruvian-American." Apparently "Touré" is French for "Ethnic-Identity-Challenged." He seems to think that going by his first name alone is "classy," you know, like Madonna. I think he should use "the" like "Joe the Plumber" and "Bob the Builder" but I suspect that "Touré the Halfwit" would be considered insulting to halfwits.

But anyway, what had started as an idea of making up a helpful list of new slogans to replace their now tired "Lean Forward," has become a general rant to make fun of the mental acuity (or lack thereof)  of the on-air "talent." I suspect I will get into a list of new slogans later on, but first let's have a little fun at MSNBC's expense.
The day starts earlier than I ever get up with a show called "Morning Joe," which features a former Congressman from Florida, Joe Scarborough, as the only thing even approaching a Conservative on the network. He was considered a RINO back when he was in Congress, and now doesn't even seem to bother with the name. He is billed as a moderate, which on MSNBC means he's slightly to the right of Stalin. I think liberal Republicans should come out of the closet and admit that they are, you know, democRats.

His partner in idiocy is Mika Brzaa, Brezz, Berz, some Polack name that no one can spell or pronounce. (And yes, I can use that word. But don't you even think of it: That's OUR word.)  I'm not sure what all her list of accomplishments includes (and don't care enough to look it up), but I do know that it seems to involve mostly being the misbegotten spawn of some guy with two Polack names that I'm not going to try spelling, who was Jimmy Carter's National Security Advisor, which is not something I think I would admit outside of a twelve-step program.

Later in the day you get the inaptly named "Hardball with Chris Matthews." I think the show should be named "Softcore," due mainly to Matthews rabid, drooling man-crush on Barry O. If you want to get an idea of what he looks like, picture Dana Carvey doing Harry Caray  except with a stupid look on his face. His idea of impartial commentary apparently involves asking Obama to give him his "marching orders." Yeah, a real bright guy.

You also get Chris Hayes, who seems to have gotten his position solely by looking like a younger version of Chris Hardwick, who was at least trying to be funny. He is apparently MSNBC's failure at an attempt at finding some sort of actual journalist to put in their lineup. He's the guy that broke the phony story about how "left-wing" groups were also targeted by the IRS. It's funny how all these "phony scandals" get phony stories about them from the Obama controlled media.

MSNBC has also given a forum to race traitor, false accuser and buffoon Al Sharpton. If that doesn't indicate precisely how low the network has sunk looking for "talent," I don't know what could.

Lawrence O'Donnell appears to exist simply to attempt to fill the pomposity void left when Keith Olbermann was dumped a few years ago. Sorry, but when you're scraping for Keith Olbermann's leftovers, there' just not much farther you can sink.

There's also this guy on, Rachel Maddow, who has to be the most effeminate man I've ever seen outside of those stupid shows about drag queens that Ndnd finds so fascinating. I can't imagine it's an accident, but I guess that's what you should expect when you name your son "Rachel."

On weekends, you get the rabid rantings of Ed Shultz, who is sort of like a rabid, unhinged version of Ed Anger, except not so restrained. His whole schtick appears to be yelling at people and wishing Dick Cheney would have a heart attack.

The only regular "contributor" I feel inclined to mention is the aforementioned Touré. His only talents appear to be being black(ish), and talking out his rectal orifice bout pretty much everything. He also started a national trend of people mocking him with the hashtag "#Peruvia." So there's that.

So, now, we come to the part where I try to suggest new slogans to replace the tired "Lean Forward," which was just an obvious plagiarism of the Obama campaign slogan "Forward," which itself was pretty tired before it was apparently replace by "Failure," and "Bush Did It, Too!" I'm going to try to avoid the obvious ones, like changing the name to MSLSD or MSDNC, or variations on the verb and preposition like, "Slink Leftward," or "Lean Backward." Too easy, and you deserve the effort.

So:

  • MSNBC: We're Not Biased Like Fox News.
  • MSNBC: One Less Black Guy and We'd BE Fox News.
  • MSNBC: Intellect Ranging From Dumb to Dumber to Dumberer to Dumberest to Touré.
  • MSNBC: GE's Tax Writeoff.
  • MSNBC: There Is Only One God, Obama, and Chris Matthews is His Prophet.
  • MSNBC: Taking Orders From The democRats Since 1996.
  • MSNBC: Not the Place For Breaking News.
  • MSNBC: Angry White Guys Yelling
  • MSNBC: Stupidity Writ Large
  • MSNBC: Republicans Suck!
  • MSNBC: If You Want Hard News, Try The Daily Show.
  • MSNBC: Where Sanity Goes to Die.
  • MSNBC: We're Number Four!
  • MSNBC: Sometime's We Beat Univision!
All right, I've made my list: Feel free to add to and improve on it in the comments. Incentive: Anonymiss says she will give cookies to the best!

12 comments:

  1. MSNBC: created jointly by the makers of Windows 8 and MY Mother the Car

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  2. I should've brought an extinguisher, because SOMEONE'S on FIRE with this one :-)

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    Replies
    1. That's just the smoke coming out of my ears.

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  3. MSNBC: mad snooty newsish boors complaining

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    Replies
    1. A better description one will never find.

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  4. A absolutely love this post! PLEASE don't let up on these guys, Arik!

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  5. MSNBC: Five letters in search of an "-ad."


    MSNBC: Our vowels are evacuated on TV every night.

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  6. Lean Forward, and Fall Back.

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  7. MSNBC: Nuking the Moon so you don't have to

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  8. You forgot Melissa Perry-Harris, who said your kids don't belong to you, and has some interesting uses for tampons.

    Something about her, perhaps her HUGE scary forehead, reminds me of the cheesy sci-fi film "This Island Earth". Given her unearthly ideas and strange apparel customs, maybe she is really an alien refugee from Metaluna.

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    Replies
    1. actually the name is Harris-Perry - didn't waste time on this libturd to look it up first(found my mistake when I was looking up pics of this freak to show my wife)

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