The top Republican in the House said Americans should judge them not on how many laws they pass, but on how many they repeal.
The top Republican in the Senate said his top priority wasn't to create jobs or expand opportunity, but to beat me.
I want to work with Congress wherever I can to do the job the American people sent us here to do -- but it turns out Republicans and Democrats have some very different ideas about what that means.
Let me level with you: The only way we're going to achieve our goals is by electing more Democrats in 2014.
Chip in $3 or more to help elect Democrats to a Congress we can all be proud of:
When I got through laughing, I came up with a short list of things I would do with $3 before I gave it to him.
In no particular order:
1. Buy a laugh track from these people, and send it to Obama to listen to. This will help him prepare for meetings with foreign leaders.
2. Buy a used copy of "The Idiot's Guide To: How Not To Be Such A Spectacular Moron, For Dummies", and send it to Sheila Jackson Lee.
3. Roll it up and smoke it.
4. Find a $3 dollar rowboat at a junk sale somewhere. Put Al Gore in it and give him a map to Antarctica. Tell him there are some bad people there who are deliberately melting all the ice.
5. Buy 3 lottery tickets. If I win, all the money will go to pay for Michelle's next vacation. Only catch is: I get to say where she goes, and when she comes back.
6. Make 3 little origami sculptures of duckies and bunnies to keep Joe Biden busy.
7. Buy a copy of the New York Times and wrap a fish in it.
8. Get 300 shiny new pennies. Tape them to 3X5 cards, and mail them to the IRS one at a time. Tell them they're for Lois Lerner's defense fund.
9. Start a fund for emergency Botox treatments for John Kerry.
10. Give Harry Reid $3 for bus fare so he can make it to the Annual Liars Club Conference, to be the keynote speaker.
Got any ideas you'd like to add? If so, put 'em in the comments. We'll pick the best one, and if it's doable, I'll make an honest effort to do it. For real. (But no matter what, I ain't gonna roll up $3 and smoke it.) I'll make a full report about the outcome here later. Have fun.