According to traditional Islamic teaching, water, or the left hand are to be used to tidy up after number twos — that, or three stones. “Psst... could you roll me a stone, buddy?”
|New use for an old rag|
If paper and rocks are now both acceptable materials for personal hygiene, I suggest that those on the rapidly fraying fringe of the Islamic spectrum take it upon themselves to pass a fatwa allowing for the use of scissors as a means to an end. They need to get ripped a new one.