In the spirit of Samhain, I’ve reprised a theme from last year, featuring a fresh display of ghastly graven gourds, using non-government-approved patterns inspired by the Department of Energy’s clever “Indoctrination Through Hijacking Traditional Seasonal Activities” program.
Warning: these are very scary, and should not be viewed under the influence of pumpkin spice.
Leave the pollution to the experts.
Two for the price of one, which essentially amounts to your immortal soul plus 90 percent of your income, if you work hard enough. But hey, free stuff!
Hillary’s Email Server
About as secure as a U.S. consulate in Libya.
Donald Trump’s Hair
Legend has it that during full moons, when Democrats dream of lecturing sheep, Donald Trump’s coif rises from his scalp and sacrifices a live squirrel to the spirit of P.T. Barnum.
Despite numerous sightings, pundits of a particular party deny that these exist. But apparently voter ID laws discriminate against the undead, so we may never know.
This is a very scary story. A precocious teen removes the guts from an old LED clock, stuffs the electronics into a briefcase-shaped pencil box, and takes it to his high school (where there is typically zero tolerance for things like aspirin or gun-shaped Pop-Tarts), ostensibly to impress his teachers. He’s warned by one not to show it to other teachers, and when he takes it to English class, where the alarm goes off, he reassures everyone that it’s just a clock.
Of course, only a moron would call the cops because they thought something that looks like an electronic timer in a small briefcase with wires sticking out of it could be anything but a clock.
So what’s scary about this? Racism and bigotry, that’s what. Be warned, kids. Depending on your name and skin color, this type of activity may result in invitations to the White House and to MIT, a paid trip to Mecca, a photo op with an alleged genocidal war criminal, and being named Muslim of the Year.
Alchemy symbols? Necronomicon talismans? Crop circles? No, gender icons are much more cryptic.
If you have nothing better to do than complain about how you are discriminated against because you look like Grizzly Adams but dress like Miley Cyrus, or because the symbol for the gender you happen to identify with this week isn’t properly depicted on a restroom door, well, your life could be worse, mighty social justice warrior. Some countries use rocks for toilet paper — and for throwing at certain people.
Gun Free Zone
These signs are invariably found at the sites of the deadliest mass murders — an inexplicable, mysterious coincidence.
What, you don’t agree? The free speech zone is that way.
Actual Global Temperature Graph
A graph such as this one, showing there has been no global warming in the past decade and a half, strikes terror into the hearts of alarmists. (Disclaimer: referencing factual data instead of computer models may provoke attacks by angry eco-warriors, hockey stick-wielding academics, wealth-distributing politicians, and carbon credit racketeers.)
Iran Nuclear Deal
“Here’s some money and uranium, now play nice.”
Pleasant dreams, kids.