Everyone mostly won except Trump
(We have a guest writer here, Karl Rove, fresh from his meeting on a private island with a bunch of tech business liberals on how to stop Donald Trump to analyze the results of tonight's Super Tuesday II. Or III. Or whatever it is called)
This was an interesting night for Republican politics. It is clear that since Donald Trump did not win more than 50% of every state, and even lost Ohio, that his campaign is absolutely over. He should step down.
Amazingly, Marco Rubio decided to suspend his campaign even though he took over 20% of the vote in Florida. It just boggles the mind why he would do that. Clearly Rubio was on a path to victory with that huge almost win. Trump is the one who should be stepping down! If you add all of the votes of the other three candidates together, they clearly beat Trump by a few points in most states.
I have a couple proposals on how to stop Trump that I presented to such bastions of the conservative movement like Tim Cook and Elon Musk and emailed to Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg at their request. Because stopping Trump is really what the 2016 election is about, not your pathetic concerns as little citizens.
My first proposal is to physically combine Cruz, Kasich, and Rubio into a mutant Crukasubio candidate. Surely that will combine all of the votes to beat Trump. Right?
My other proposal is for someone to really hurt Trump at one of his rallies. Probably physically. Maybe even pull his hair off. Whichever to prevent him from being able to run for president.
So those are ways. But even without those, if Kasich wins 101% of the vote from now on, or Ted Cruz comes up with better lies that aren't obviously lies, we can get to the convention with a broken candidate, er I mean brokered candidate. I suggest me. I would make a great president. I could be the campaign cowboy president. Has a nice ring to it. I would wear a cowboy hat and everything.
Even though Trump has technically won most of the states in this nomination, the voters were clearly drunk or something, so his delegates shouldn't even be counted. So tonight was really a big win for Crukasubio.