You know how surreal thoughts flow through your mind while you're semiconscious, and your body is in that partial REM state?
Well, that's the condition the debate put me in. And I've got to share what I was "seeing" while we were all watching.
Nobody saw this scene beforehand
while they were preparing in the green room
"Donald, after tonight, I'm going to grab your deplorable eggs
and put them in my basket, you racist woman hater!"
Of course, Trump responded
"Hillary, a hand in your Byrd is worse than two of the Bushes.
Including your good friend and supporter, Obama."
Now, for Clinton the fight was on. But....
"Is this your SOP, Donald, putting your fly on women's faces?"
"Wait, where did that damn fly go? Am I seeing things?
It was just on my nose between my eyes, wasn't it?
Come on, let's get this over with. I'm hungry!"
Then Trump spoke like a perfect gentleman
"Don't worry, Hillary. I'll bring you to Little Seizures tonight.
It'll be my pleasure to give you the full treatment."
"Thanks, Donald. Very nice of you. Now if Little Seizures isn't near,
I saw a cute local sandwich shop just down the street.
You know how I love Hero sandwiches.
They say you are what you eat!"
Trump maintained his perfect poise
"Believe me, Hillary, I know your reputation precedes you.
You'll always be willing to take that 3am call and be
the kind of hero that the country expects."
Trump really played out his role
"Hillary, I'm very familiar with that shop. I've eaten there,
and they've got a special sandwich that's killer!
We'll wash it down with a pint of Guinness."
"Donald, I'm confused. I don't understand
why you're being so nice to me."
Now Trump started hitting some targets
"Well, Hillary, I'm a good guy, not the boogie man you've portrayed.
When we get out in the debate, I'd appreciate it if you didn't
blame the Russian hackers for everything since
you really don't know if they're involved."
Then he lowered the first boom
"Please, Hillary, don't make me remind the country that the only
hack you're sure of blows out from your solar plexus."
Meanwhile, Bill was getting impatient out front
"I hope they hurry this up. I wanna get back to my party pad
on top of my quadruple wide over the river.
Library ?!?!?! Yeah, right!
Oh, if the taxpayers knew they paid for my love shack, look out!
Maybe I should invite Donald over to a real P***y Palace!"
Inevitably, Bill starts to reminisce
"That Loretta, she's short and chunky, and not a great looker, but,
boy she could work that noose around my old turkey neck!"
Nobody saw this scene after the debate
"Hill, you and Lyncher here run along now.
I'm sure you two have some lolly lady gagging to get to.
I saw Debbie Schultz here with her twin brother, so she and I are gonna
get together and see if she can clean up a mess I may have made.
I've had my eyes on her for a long time.
I hope she's the 'washer man' I've heard about."
As Bill thinks to himself....
"I sure hope Debbie does keep that darlin' Catholic veil net on
when we hook up. That just really caught my fancy!
And I hope she doesn't bring her twin brother along."
So, still preparing back in the green room
"Where's the producer? Where is he? Heads are gonna roll here!
I just saw this screen shot on the monitor and I want
this cameraman gone IMMEDIATELY!
I never want to see this again!
What's that? The producer and cameraman are your fourth cousins
from Saudi Arabia because beheadings are down over there?
Oh, I'll let it slide this time, Huma."
Then Trump lowered the BIG BOOM!
"Hillary, whether intentional or not, the camera guy was
showing the truth that everybody already knows.
I was going to say 'framing' the truth but, there's no
frame involved, not from the 'alt-right'
vast conspiracy or anybody else, for that matter.
You brought this on yourself.
If I become president, what you see, is where you'll be.
And you won't have your Justice Department to defend you."
Hillary Clinton is aghast!
"Donald, I know my friends. They'll stand by me."
As Barack meanders through the left wing
"She's on the phone? Tell her I'm gone. No, tell her when
I smash this fly on my forehead its blood will
make that red spot so I can be a Hindu.
The UN president promised me the envoy job to India if
I'll just be a Hindu. Tell her I'll call her from India!"
Kerry reacts during inquiries about the United Nations
"Barack, did you really just say that about Hindus? Oh, wonderful!
Now I'm never going to get that permanent global
contract for the ketchup concession.
And I just convinced a billion curry sniffers to eat hamburgers.
Great! There's trillions of rupees down the drain!"
And the rest of us react
"John, I think I know how you feel about Hillary and Barack.
All us real folks haven't slept well for eight years.
The hair on the back of my neck has been up and I've
been hot under the collar all this time.
I'd have a cold brew and drop the air temperature in the house
right now but, I got rid of my refrigerator and air conditioner
after you told us they were some of the greatest threats
to our nation and the world. Just doing my part.
Thanks, John and Hillary, for doing yours!"
My final thoughts